Choose your own adventure: How would Jim from ‘The Office’ survive a horror movie?

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Jim Halpert is swapping sales and phone calls for an ill end if he utters even the slightest of sounds in “A Quiet Place.” While the new horror film — to be released Friday — takes place in upstate New York, the eerie themes might as well take place in Dwinelle Hall. Will he make it out alive? Well, that’s up to you. So, Golden Bears, if you were Jim Halpert from “The Office,” how would you survive a horror movie?

  1. Ring ring! Any good horror movie has to have that typical phone ringing scene. It’s stormy, tree branches are scratching against your kitchen windows, the alien-monster-ghost-thing is lurking and the phone won’t stop ringing. What do you?
    1. Answer it of course! No horror movie character can get away without answering the phone. Plus, what if it’s an important sales call? My salary is commission-based, people!
    2. I’d hang up and call back in a menacing voice. Maybe I can prank the thing chasing me to actually be scared of me instead? Oh how the turns have tabled, right?
    3. Run out of there! Sure, the thing chasing me will inevitably be right around the corner because this is a horror movie, but I’m smart enough to know better than answering that phone call.
    4. Hide in the pantry closet. Yeah, I’ll most definitely be found, but it’s better than answering that damn phone, even if it’s Pam. Sorry, Pam.
  2. For some reason the alien-monster-ghost-thing tracking you down didn’t get you yet, and you escaped to the car. But the car won’t start. Now what?
    1. Lock the doors; at least it can’t get in if the doors are locked, right?
    2. In a typical Jim fashion, I’d trick the monster by placing a blow-up version of myself in the driver’s seat before running away.
    3. I’d call Dwight to come jump-start the car. It’s okay if the alien-monster-ghost-thing gets him instead.
    4. I guess I’ll just run to Pam’s house. The car is useless and at least I’ll get to see her before I meet a bitter end.
  3. Fast-forward a couple of scenes and you’re suddenly in the woods with Michael, Dwight, Pam and Andy. Andy started singing a cappella, so the alien-monster-ghost-thing was able to locate you and is close behind. WWJHD (What would Jim Halpert do)?
    1. Go after the the thing chasing us. I can beat it at its own game, right? I mean, that’s pretty much what I did with Roy…
    2. Tell Michael to go distract the thing chasing us. Then the rest of us can get the hell out of there.
    3. Split up. We’re really following all of the classic horror movie tropes here. Plus, I want to get away from Michael ASAP.
    4. Stick together. I might hate three out of the five people in this group, but I’m smart enough to know splitting up is a death wish.
  4. You’re face-to-face with the alien-monster-ghost-thing. In the words of our lord and savior Michael Scott, your mind is “going a mile an hour.” What do you do?
    1. I’d be the typical smart aleck my fans love me for being and roast the thing chasing me.
    2. I’d pull a prank. Maybe I could convince it that I’m actually just a ghost?
    3. I’d flatter the thing to distract it until I could think of something to actually save myself.
    4. Why are you hesitating? I’d be running faster than Lightning McQueen in “Cars.”
  5. What outfit are you wearing during this whole ordeal?
    1. A full tuxedo, because my demise started to happen when I was trying to follow Dwight’s strict office attire orders.
    2. A mustard-yellow button-up, brown striped tie and some glasses. Does the Dwight Schrute look make my butt look big?
    3. My typical office apparel, equipped with briefcase too. I might be running for my life, but at least I look stylish.
    4. Sneakers, gym shorts and a tee that I wore during the basketball game in Season 1.
  6. And, lastly, if you weren’t being chased, what would you be doing right now?
    1. Working on Athlead; I can’t throw my Haas diploma away! I’ll handle the business side if you guys code, OK?
    2. Probably doing something completely productive, like flirting with an engaged receptionist.
    3. Pulling a prank on Dwight, for sure. Maybe I could put his whole desk in Jello this time?
    4. Studying for midterms. I might be Jim in this scenario, but I’ll always be a Golden Bear.
    1. Mr. Halpert? Mr. Halpert? Oh, my fuckin’ God, he fuckin’ dead. Sorry, but not even Jim Halpert could escape a horror movie alive. You tried your best, though.
    2. While physically unscathed, you’re a bit scarred emotionally. It’s pretty much like just taking a midterm, or finding out that GBC is out of sushi rolls. We told you not to answer the phone…
    3. You made it out alive, but with some cuts and bruises. Basically, you look like you do at the end of any semester at UC Berkeley. While Jim’s free from running away from the alien-monster-ghost-thing, we Golden Bears still have five more week before finals. Hang in there.
    4. You made it out alive, and miraculously didn’t even get hurt. It turns out the thing chasing you was just Toby trying to sell you his daughter’s Girl Scout cookies. You purchase two boxes of Samoas and Toby vanishes.

Contact Evelyn Roth at [email protected].

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