Cramped, overpriced single available for sublet on College Avenue


A “cramped, overpriced single” on College Avenue was posted to the Berkeley Free & For Sale and the Berkeley Housing Facebook groups earlier this week.

“I just wanted to say it as it was,” said Connie Butler, the manager of the apartment complex. “And yes, the rest of our units are pretty much the exact same thing.”

More than 80 people showed up to the advertised viewing time Tuesday afternoon, reports say, with other open houses scheduled throughout the week because of the overwhelming interest from the Berkeley student body.

“It’s pretty indicative of the state of the Berkeley housing crisis,” said one of the apartment viewers. “We all know we’re getting screwed, but we’ll fight each other for it.”

The open house dragged on for more than four hours, as the unit could only fit up to three people at a time, and even then it was a tight fit.

The advertised “vintage elevator” was left unused as the viewers seemed to unanimously prefer the stairs. The freshman students present at the viewing were reportedly extremely surprised that that kind of elevator still existed outside of movies.

“It’s a very tight space,” Butler said, gesturing to the lofted bed over the bathtub, all squashed in a space that was barely the same width as the hallway. “But everything will be in easy reach!”

Unconfirmed reports say that one of the prospective tenants was heard whispering, “Oh god, I thought it was just a meme.”

The unit does not include a sink or toilet because the bathtub is a “three-in-one combo,” according to the Facebook posts.

“We do not believe in a redundancy of faucets and drains,” the building’s owner said in a statement.

“Students are living in a time of luxury,” Butler said. “They won’t even have to pay for the mold, and there’s so much of that that it’s basically an additional person!”

The company website includes provisions for tenants to use the unit as a double for an additional cost, though Butler admitted she is not sure exactly where the second person would sleep.

“Tenants would have to take turns using the bed, I guess. Or someone would have to sleep in the tub.”

At press time, Butler confirmed that after this year, rent would obviously still go up.

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Jonathan Lai at [email protected].