Unlikely hero escorts lost campus tour group out of Main Stacks

Image of the descending staircases of Main Stacks at UC Berkeley.
Mitzi Perez/File

With UC Berkeley decisions released just last week, the campus has been flooded with newly admitted students touring what will inevitably be the site of some of the worst best years of their lives. Some prospective students and their families were given an early taste of how lost they will be at UC Berkeley by literally getting lost in our very own Main Stacks library.

On Monday, a group of 50 high school students and their parents were being escorted around campus by a campus ambassador majoring in electrical engineering and computer sciences. As the group entered Main Stacks, the campus ambassador, who wanted to remain anonymous, realized that she had a midterm to get to and ran out of Main Stacks, leaving her group behind. With no guidance, the group fell into the abyss of our infamous library.

When asked if she felt bad for leaving her group to fend for itself, the campus ambassador responded: “I would never jeopardize my grade, especially for that group! I overheard that most of them were humanities majors, so who cares if they were lost in Main Stacks forever? I mean, what would they have contributed to our society anyway?”

The group wandered throughout Main Stacks for hours, finding that the maps and signs posted everywhere did not help at all. Additionally, the lack of cell reception did not help the group’s cause.

“We tried asking people for help, but they just ignored us and kept studying,” prospective student Chad McDonaldson told our reporters.

“It was horrible! We were rationing candies in our purses because we really didn’t know when we would be able to find our way out. I really believed that we would never see real sunlight or breathe clean, fresh air again,” a parent said.

After a total of six hours of being lost, the group was met with its savior. A student carrying an ASUC sign approached several people in the group to ask if they would vote for the candidate pictured on the sign.

“I remember hearing that those campaign people will do anything for your vote and follow you around. I told him that I was on my way to Dwinelle and he offered to walk with me, so I just had him lead us out,” future regents’ scholar Kim Delgado shared with the Clog.

After listening to a 10-minute speech about how great the ASUC candidate is, the group of students and their parents were led to freedom through the fourth floor Moffitt entrance.

“If this is what UC Berkeley is going to be like, maybe I’ll choose UCLA instead,” a large majority of students revealed to the Clog as they were exiting campus.

When Clog reporters asked Visitor Services about this mishap, staff members expressed their apologies and assured that something like this would not happen again.

In a Nixle alert sent Monday evening, the president of Visitor Services stated: “A lot of our campus ambassadors are Golden Bear Orientation leaders and mentors. We thought they had already gotten their training in things like this, but looks like we’ll have to retrain them. This time, we’ll make sure they’re trained the right way.”

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Joyce Cam at [email protected].