Because of the increasing number of students and lack of housing available to accommodate these rising numbers, the administration announced this week that it will rent out rows in California Memorial Stadium to students. This is just one of its many steps toward battling the pressing issue of the housing crisis.
“We’ve listened to the students’ cries for more affordable housing, and now we’re delivering. On average, one row in Memorial Stadium will be $1,000 a month. Rows in the cheap seats up at the top of the stadium will be less, of course, but if they want prime real estate, they can pay a very reasonable $1,500 for the front row,” a campus spokesperson said.
The university claims that its reasoning for letting students rent out space in California Memorial Stadium is because of the lack of student attendance at Cal football games.
“Let’s be honest,” the spokesperson said. “Our football team is sad. We’ve lost to Stanford the past eight years! And yes, the team brings in a lot of revenue to the school, but its recent record has been awful. Memorial Stadium can be put to an even more productive use as housing. It’ll be a Unit 7 if you will. And unlike the new dorms being built, there’s nothing to be built here — it’s already available for move-in.”
Students have mixed opinions about this new development. While many see this as an insult to students, some of the more sports-oriented students are excited.
“Oh yeah, I’m totally applying for a row in Memorial Stadium! Just imagine, free football games, free fries and I get to watch them practice! It’s every football fan’s dream,” freshman Chad Smith relayed to us excitedly.
We learned soon after this that students living in Memorial Stadium will not actually be allowed to watch practices or football games. They will not be allowed in whenever the football team practices or games are occurring. The university spokesperson claims this is because “we can make a lot more money selling seats to alumni than renting out rows to students.”
Fries will also not be free, but all stadium food (including the carts) will now be available to purchase with meal points. This, the university hopes, will placate the angry masses who miss Late Night dining. The university also cannot promise that the bright lights will be turned off every night. They suggest that future residents invest in a quality eye mask to block the lights. Junior and political science major Julia Green expressed anger at this move by the university.
“When we said we wanted more funds to go to students in need and less toward the athletics department, we didn’t mean we wanted them to stuff us into their stadium. This only creates more problems for students and decreases their quality of life.”
Against all odds, this order will be moved forward. Applications are opening at the end of April for next fall semester housing, so students are encouraged to apply as quickly as possible to ensure they get the perfect row.
This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.
Contact Sunny Sichi at [email protected].