In a shocking turn of events, a tree announced its independent candidacy for the ASUC Senate on Monday afternoon.
With the rising number of independent ASUC Senate candidates over the past few years, it should come as no surprise that some very colorful figures have appeared for an opportunity to exercise personal agency over their unique platforms.
A bitter rival of another independent candidate, the squirrel known as Furry Boi, the Firry Tree seeks to represent a traditionally marginalized segment of the UC Berkeley population.
“Though we both come from the same home of Eucalyptus Grove, we by no means have the same platform as the so-called Furry Boi,” said Firry Tree in an email statement. “I represent a very different constituency.”
Indeed, Firry Tree’s platform advocates for the rights of trees, which the candidate claims are often neglected by the campus community at large. The platform includes particularly damning allegations against the squirrel population.
“Why nut? Because they were my nuts before they were yours!” read a Firry Tree campaign poster on Sproul. The campaign also sported hashtags such as #firthetrees and #returnthenuts.
Unsurprisingly, a large part of the Firry Tree platform addresses environmental issues — it aims to bulldoze some unnecessary campus buildings such as Dwinelle Hall in favor of more space for plant life housing.
Firry Tree emphasizes the inclusivity of its plant life platform, including all forms of vegetation in addition to trees.
“We hope to address the growing problem of plant life housing, an issue that is having increasingly harsh ramifications worldwide,” Firry Tree said. “And let’s face it — it’s not as if we needed those buildings anyway.”
Those “unneeded buildings” also include campus dining halls, which Firry Tree argues provide unnecessary catering to a very specific subset of the campus population.
“We plants already have photosynthesis,” Firry Tree said. “All this pandering is just ridiculously discriminatory.”
At press time, Firry Tree had tweeted a denial of “any and all allegations of any connection with Stanford” in all capital letters.
This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.
Contact Jonathan Lai at [email protected].