California water supply saved by tears shed at ASUC election reveal

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Daniel Kim/File

Every year, ASUC election results are broadcasted on a large screen in the middle of Lower Sproul Plaza. With the overwhelming tears from last year’s elections, the ASUC coordinators made sure to accommodate the extra water flow.

“We’ve set up kiddie pools for each candidate and their peers to sit in while they watch the results,” one of the coordinators shared with our Clog reporters.

“Yeah, hopefully these pools will keep Lower Sproul from flooding again. Last year, it took us weeks to properly drain it!” said a UC Berkeley employee.

Candidates, campaigners and fellow students gathered in their designated kiddie pools on Lower Sproul Plaza to watch the election results on the big screen. Emotions were already at an all-time high, as students were barely getting over the recently finished midterm season.

As the results trickled in, more and more cries were shed — aggressive crying, subtle sobbing and weeping. The cries were so overwhelming that students passing by were also affected. “I was walking through Upper Sproul when I heard everyone crying. I started crying, too, because I thought about the fat L I just took on my midterm,” a sophomore studying biology shared with the Clog.

Soon enough, Lower Sproul was filled with random students walking past who also felt the need to cry their L’s away. The kiddie pools were already dangerously filled to the brim.

As the final results broadcasted the face of the new ASUC president, the kiddie pools all simultaneously erupted. Our Clog reporters were able to get to high ground to see the tears travel down into the streets and all around Berkeley.

“With the tears flowing from Berkeley to the rest of California, we probably won’t see another drought in our lifetime!” a local climatologist explained.

Our Clog reporters are happy to report that the ASUC has kickstarted its duties by supplying California with enough water to last years.

ASUC election season has finally come to a close!

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Joyce Cam at [email protected].