With the semester nearing an end, you Bears know what that means: The dreaded Phase Ones are upon us. Cue soundtrack from “Sharknado.” Luckily, you finally figured out the perfect schedule that has no 8 a.m. classes, no Friday classes and miraculously fulfills a ton of requirements. The catch? You’re waitlisted from literally every class ever. Being waitlisted from classes at UC Berkeley is tantamount to the fourth floor of Moffitt being filled. So, what’s more likely than getting into the classes you need?
Having a reliable campus Wi-Fi connection
Every Golden Bear can attest to how bad AirBears2 and CalVisitor are at maintaining reliable Wi-Fi connections. Forget about streaming a movie uninterrupted or looking at memes on our Facebook meme group. Even with all the lag, AirBears2 and CalVisitor are still more promising than our Phase One prospects.
Finding decent housing
Apartments near campus with bedrooms for each flatmate at an affordable price have become somewhat of a unicorn. Berkeley’s notoriously high rent rates make the cost of living a meme in and of itself. And yet, when compared to the likelihood of getting into all the classes you need next semester, finding decent housing takes the cake.
Students voluntarily stepping on the seal
The first lesson any Golden Bear learns? The ill fate they’re sure to meet stepping on the campus seals by Memorial Glade. Stepping on the seal means you won’t graduate in four years and/or you won’t get a 4.0 GPA. As a result, UC Berkeley students avoid stepping on the seals like the plague. Yet you’ll find students voluntarily stepping on the seal more often than you would have a successful class registration.
Having enough meal points at the end of the semester
A tale as old as time: You didn’t budget your meal points well. You spent half of your meal points on Hi-Chews from Bear Market at the beginning of the semester, only to have 20 meal points left in the middle of April. The Hi-Chews were totally worth it, though. Regardless, budgeting your meal points well is a science that we non-EECS kids at the Clog don’t have an algorithm to understand. Despite this tragedy, getting into all the classes you need next semester is less likely than having enough meal points at the end of the semester.
Pluto being recognized as a planet again
OK, so this isn’t UC Berkeley-related, but we can all agree that Pluto is forever and always relevant. Even though NASA demoted Pluto to the status of a dwarf planet way back in 2006, every Golden Bear misses it being a major part of our solar system. The pain stings as if 2006 were just yesterday. But the nonexistent chance of Pluto actually regaining its planetary status would still be more probable than not being waitlisted. #VivaLaPluto
So, you might not be able to enroll in that major prerequisite you so desperately needed, but at least we’re all in the same boat. Where do those enrollment seats go if literally no Golden Bears get them? Probably in the trash, where our compost ends up.
Contact Evelyn Roth at [email protected].