An open letter to our dear, gullible Clog readers

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Jessica Doojphibulpol/Senior Staff

Dear reader,

If you’re reading this sentence, congrats! You’ve already made it farther than 95 percent of our audience. And yes, 95 percent is a very scientific number. We took time out of our busy schedules and went out to get this data, just for the 5 percent of people who get past the title of our articles. That’s just how much we care!

This semester has been a great one for The Daily Clog. Not that every semester isn’t great, but this one is in particular. Why, you may ask? Well, if you hadn’t noticed, we decided to try our hand in a little bit of satire. The results have been fantastic, and that’s all thanks to you, our readers. By nature of being a blog, we the writers are constantly online, and most of that time is spent reading your responses to our articles.

Let us just say thank you. We’re flattered to know that our writing is just so good that you guys actually believe everything we write. The fact that so many people (including Teen Vogue) actually thought UC Berkeley was starting a “meme studies” department is an urban legend in the office. The passion in every “This article is FAKE NEWS” and “Remember when DC writers were competent?” (sick burn, by the way) comment keeps our passion for writing going. Honestly, writing for the Clog wouldn’t be as fun without the people who get upset over our Clog reports and question our competence. As the famous internet slogan goes, “My haters are my motivators.”

But not every dedicated reader hates us. Some people read the title and immediately get excited! We don’t know how many of our Facebook friends got excited over the 51C bus route through campus or the new In-N-Out in place of Smart Alec’s. We do feel a little bad tricking you guys like that, though, because believe us, we want an In-N-Out too.

It’s understandable that some of our content might rub some people the wrong way. If we joke about laptops being stolen at Caffe Strada, what’s next, joking about tables being stolen too? Oh wait, we did that too. The whole point of our satire is to call out serious issues we see happening on campus in a silly and irreverent way. Of course, we know that the administration isn’t offering California Memorial Stadium as housing next year. We just think that if the administration wants to be ridiculous with tuition hikes and accept more students they can house, we have every right to be ridiculous as well.  

But enough of the haters. We appreciate all of the Donald Trump-esque complaints (SAD! The Daily Clog is FAKE NEWS! America FIRST! The negative press covfefe) from the people who didn’t read the article and constructive criticism from people who actually read the articles. We even appreciate irrelevant online publications who think they’re being clever when they attack our work with their mediocre content (Anyone heard of the Black Sheep? No? That’s what we thought). We always aim to do better, and it’s all of you who keep us on our toes. We’ll have you know that at every meeting, we at the Clog will think, “How can we trick our readers this week?”

At the Clog, we have the power of the media in our hands. It’s our responsibility as the blog section of The Daily Californian to provide some laughs and fun content for you guys. People often believe what they read, and what they read is often just the headline and a quick skim of the article. And while we write our fun titles to get you hooked, it’s up to you to read the entire article and make it to the italicized, “This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.”

Don’t worry! It’s fun and easy to read our articles! They’re usually about 400 words, and we write pretty well! If we couldn’t write well, we wouldn’t be here. We’d be coding in Cory Hall or something. We promise that our articles are more interesting than the 200 pages a week you’re assigned for your introduction to political science class. There’s really no excuse to believe everything we write. We’re the Daily Clog, not a super serious department like news. Any “news” we write is fake news. Like, our name is CLOG. If you take us too seriously, that’s on you.

Sorry, this entire letter has been like a roast of our readers. We promise we appreciate all the love and clicks you give our articles. The best thing about being a writer is having an audience to appreciate your work, and you, dear reader, do just that. Even the ones who just read our titles. So, in the end, if you’ve made it to the end of this lengthy open letter, thanks for reading. We look forward to tricking you more in the future.

Peace, love,

The Clog

Contact Sunny Sichi at [email protected].