Professor writes thank-you cards for all 600 students in lecture

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Beini Liu/Staff

Students were shocked to discover that as a part of the end-of-semester speech from the professor, personalized thank-you cards would be handed out to each and every student in the lecture hall.

“I was pretty taken aback,” said one student, eyes visibly red with emotion. “I thought I was just one face of six hundred, but our professor somehow proved me wrong.”

The messages in the cards shared with the Clog came with personalized details for each student, such as one message appreciating a student’s “endless, and honestly sometimes excessive, participation,” as well as another one thanking a student for their steadfast attendance “despite the fact that you slept through every single minute of class.”

One particular card took note of a student’s “dedicated note-taking and attention despite being visibly hungover with alarming regularity.”

The logistics of this card-giving were extremely well-thought-out, only taking around twenty minutes to finish. An estimated two-thirds of the class of six hundred was present when the professor handed out the cards.

“I put as much time into planning this distribution as I did writing your cards,” the professor said in their emotional closing speech.

The GSIs of each section were reported to have marked down where the students of their respective sections were sitting during the first half of lecture, streamlining the distribution process of handing out individual cards to each student at the end of the lecture.

Unconfirmed sources say this was somehow a far more organized process than the usual handing out of midterms or even just class handouts during the rest of the semester.

The GSIs collected the cards of the students who were not present, for one reason or another, to be handed out during section.

Sources report that one such card read, “I’ve literally never seen you this entire semester, so I’m not entirely convinced you exist.”

It was further announced that digital copies of each of the cards would also be released to their respective recipients over bCourses in the coming weeks.

Just before press time, the university announced that this would soon become the expected norm for professors, including for the professor of the near two-thousand-student class of CS 61A.

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Jonathan Lai at [email protected].