Early this morning in Moffitt Library, reports say student Cam P. Nile finally emerged from the fourth-floor bathroom stall after going missing for eight hours. His friends say they arrived at Moffitt at 4 p.m., and their friend had gone to the bathroom the moment they arrived.
“He hates the bathrooms in Moffitt, so at first I was confused — like, why was he in there so long? We started thinking he just straight-up ditched us,” said Nile’s friend.
Nile actually didn’t ditch his friends. He had been struggling with the automatic flush for eight hours until he got it to finally work. He described it as one of the worst experiences of his life. According to Nile, the stall he was in had toilet paper everywhere and a worse smell than usual, making the eight hours the longest of his life.
“I felt like James Franco in that ‘127 Hours’ movie, when he was stuck between those rocks. I was literally ready to saw off my arm if it meant I could get out of there,” Nile said. “I kept waving and waving but nothing seemed to work. I started to wonder if I had become a ghost or something.”
There’s a social practice all over the world in which people will not leave the bathroom before the automatic toilet flushes. Normally, if the bathroom has a manual flusher, people can control when they leave; with the automatic flush, one’s fate is left in the hands of a motion detector. There have been no reports of an automatic toilet taking this long to flush.
“Hell no, there was no way I was leaving that stall until it flushed. It’s totally embarrassing! Especially since it’s an all-gender bathroom, literally everyone would witness me leaving without flushing. It’s gross and there’s no way I was going to just let someone else come in with everything just … there,” Nile said.
As gallant as his motives were, they came at a big personal cost. He had both a midterm and paper due the next day, both of which he didn’t end up studying for or finishing because of his bathroom adventure. He had hoped his GSIs would understand and give him an extension, but no such extension came. His GSIs could not understand why he would spend eight hours in a bathroom stall.
“Cam has always been a good student, so I’m not sure what came over him,” said his GSI. “Like, just leave it, man! There are more important things to worry about! Undergrads are ridiculous.”
Nile felt that he came out of this incident stronger than ever, despite a sharp drop in his GPA.
“Waving your hands and body at a wall for eight hours straight changes a person,” Nile said. “I think that I’ve really started to put life into perspective. Like, who knows when the next time I get stuck will be? Will I get stuck in a bathroom stall? Stuck in jail? Stuck between two rocks? Who knows. But I welcome the next challenge with open arms.”
This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.
Contact Sunny Sichi at [email protected].