Student stress at record high because of having nothing to stress about

stress_hannahcooper_file
Hannah Cooper/File

Studies have found that since the beginning of summer break, student stress levels have inexplicably gone through the roof.

“You’d expect that with the end of the spring semester, students would actually be able to relax and just chill out,” said Ruth Norton, a psychologist with prematurely graying hair. “Yet paradoxically, this is not the case.”

Parents have reported that their children are still lacking in sleep but are staying up to do imaginary work.

“I have so much free time, it’s crazy,” rising junior Gru Vee Les Beee told Clog reporters. “I just started doing work, like my body was craving it or something. I don’t even know what work I’m doing!”

Other students have had similar reactions in ways including mumbling math equations in their sleep and instinctively ignoring fun summer plans to study. What they’re studying for still remains a mystery.

“The guilt students feel about not having anything to do is deeply problematic. It’s actually very concerning how high-stress levels are across the student body,” mused Norton. “There’s such a high supply; if only we could sell stress somehow. Wait, that’s actually a really great idea for a startup!”

Meme tagging is also at an all-time high. Experts suggest that the lack of pressing commitments elsewhere is leaving students with an excessive amount of time to spend on social media.

“Usually stress is directly proportional to the amount a student has procrastinated,” said Norton. “We’ve hypothesized that without the outlet of real deadlines, this constant procrastination is resulting in that uncontrollable buildup of stress levels.”

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Jonathan Lai at [email protected].