Berkeley students literally melting in the summer weather

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Leonie Leonida/Staff

Temperatures vaguely approached 80 degrees in the Bay Area this week, with people around Berkeley seen to be in various states of distress in the seasonably hot weather.

“I know it’s summer and all,” said campus junior Ruthenia Browne. “I’m just surprised to see the sun. And for it to actually be hot when it comes out for once.”

The Bay Area is well known for its cloudy weather, attributed to local fog celebrity Karl the Fog, as well as the constant winds that often leave the region chilly even under the effects of direct sunlight.

Experts say that this may be the first time many local residents have sweat since last summer.

In some extreme cases, Berkeley students have been seen literally melting under the glare of the newly uncovered sun.

“Well, we already knew they were all snowflakes,” said local internet troll Bradlington Smith, a regular to Berkeley-related Facebook comment threads.

Unconfirmed sources say that Smith was also visibly melting himself, claims that Smith vehemently denied.

Experts remain unsure if the colder nighttime weather will cause the melted people to reform and encourage residents to leave the puddles be for now.

The city issued a warning this morning urging residents to stay indoors in light of the highly foreseeable heat that everyone will obviously somehow still be totally unprepared for.

“We all know what’s happening, and we all know what to do,” read a Nixle alert on the weather. “Stay home and complain about how there’s no air conditioning.”

It has become increasingly difficult to find seats in campus libraries again as students flock to some of the only places in Berkeley with the luxury of air conditioning.

“We cannot emphasize exactly how important it is for residents to stay indoors: It isn’t, y’all are just weak,” continued the Nixle alert. “But if residents get needlessly desperate, the doors you stay inside can be those of your refrigerators or freezers.”

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Jonathan Lai at [email protected] .