5 simple steps for the ultimate summer body horror

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The campus is empty, birds are chirping and it’s sunny enough to give us all skin cancer a million times over. That’s right — it’s summertime.

With summer comes time to think, which inevitably leads to self-doubt creeping in and festering like a bad case of leprosy. Many people are unhappy with themselves physically, but they just don’t know how to change.

Fear not! I have concocted a foolproof plan to mold mortal flesh into the sexy physique you people want.

Getting the hot summer bod embodied by malnourished magazine cover models everywhere will not be easy, but reading a self-improvement article on the internet is. It will take a lot of hard work and multiple mysterious deaths, but by the end of this five-step program you will have that six-pack, guaranteed.

Step 1

Eat nothing but Bush’s Best Baked Beans for two months straight. Multiple scientific studies have proven that by eating Bush’s Best Baked Beans, you will fart out all of the self-doubt that plagues your mind and prevents you from achieving your full potential. The most important part of this step is to not eat any other food during this period. Don’t worry — no one has ever died from eating too many cans of baked beans.

Step 2

Exercise regularly, and be assertive. Direct eye contact at the gym, no matter how brief, is a challenge. Do not look away — you must stare directly at the recipient of your gaze for the rest of your set while groaning as much as possible. The most important part of your workout is being deafeningly loud. The beans will ensure that your thunderous farts are powerful enough to hear through noise-canceling headphones. Additionally, you should be wailing like a moose in heat for each rep. Once you’ve finished your workout, bust open a tin of those sweet beans and shotgun it like a cheap beer.

Step 3

Summon the elder gods. This step is a tricky one, since it requires at least 6.2 pounds worth of human eyeballs. Just any old human eyeballs are fine, but you will see better results if you use the eyeballs of your loved ones, for the Deep Ones feed off of pain. Once you have the ingredients, you must charter a galleon to sail you into the uncharted waters of the Atlantic Ocean. There is no specific point you must go to, but when the dark waters churn and the brine starts to seep into your bones, you will know it is the right place. At that point, dive into the inscrutable depths holding a rusty pail containing the eyeballs. Weighed down by the eyes, you will quickly sink through the frigid waters. As you feel your lungs screaming and your consciousness begins to fade, you will see clearly for the first time in your life. You will awaken in your home with two things: horrible, sanity-destroying knowledge no mortal should ever obtain and a rockin’ beach bod.

Step 4

Now that you’ve acquired the physical form you want, it’s time to help other people ascend from their meat prisons too. Stare deep into your followers’ souls with your newly awakened third eye, and whisper the harsh truths about their true nature. Once you have formed a close bond, it will be difficult to distinguish yourself from your followers. You will often hear their darkest thoughts as if they were your own. From there, you will all feel the most powerful impulse of your lives, a hunger so overwhelming not even the word of God could sate it.

Step 5

Consume.

Contact Jackson Guilfoil at [email protected] and follow him on Twitter at @GuilfoilJackson.