Game of Thorns: Weeks 1-3 of ‘The Bachelorette’ pose pretty boys and petty drama

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If for some reason you ran out of rosé and were unable to watch the past three weeks of Becca’s season of “The Bachelorette,” don’t worry! We’re here to recap the beginnings of Becca’s journey to true love.

Week One

After a long two months since the dramatic “Bachelor” finale, in which Arie Luyendyk Jr. dumped winner Becca Kufrin for runner-up Lauren Burnham on live television, Becca is back and ready to Do The Damn Thing™, now with 28 of America’s most eligible bachelors vying for her heart (and screen time). Since the breakup, Becca has been busy glamming up for promotional photo shoots and celebrating a real bill drafted by a Minnesotan state representative legally banning Arie from her home state.

Becca also met up with former Bachelorettes Rachel Lindsay, JoJo Fletcher and Kaitlyn Bristowe for some mimosas and sage-ing of the Bachelor mansion to cleanse it of its history. Rachel goes on to steal the episode by announcing they’re “going to sage (Becca’s) pussy,” and they rid Becca of the ghosts of needle-dick-Arie past.

During the introduction packages, we meet two different NFL players. There’s also Garrett from Reno, who can do a Minnesotan accent that is apparently a Chris Farley impression, Lincoln from Los Angeles (originally from Nigeria), Jean Blanc from Pensacola (originally from Haiti) and a grocery store owner from Chicago named Joe who will only be called Trader Joe from here on out. But most importantly, we are introduced to Jordan, a male model and the instant villain as soon as he says his “brand” is “pensive gentleman.” He also tries to quote “Zoolander” by saying modeling is more than being “ridiculously good-looking,” but he says it so unironically that you’re left questioning whether it’s a reference or a genuine statement.

On to the limo entrances! Thankfully, only three of them use Becca’s overused catchphrase, “Let’s do the damn thing!” Many men pile out with forgettable entrances. Blake comes in riding an ox. David is the obligatory costumed entrance, dressing up as a chicken and clucking, “Be-kaw!” Chris, the final entrance, brings a church choir to serenade Becca.

The rest of the night circles around competing masculinities and the petty drama at the crux of the “Bachelor” franchise. The two biggest scandals revolve around the classic drama of who isn’t “here for the right reasons.”

First, Chris confronts Chase about his intentions on the show, because Chase’s ex texted Chris to say Chase is there to revamp his company. Chase brings up the issue himself to Becca. But Becca, realizing this is way too much drama for night one, tells him she can’t really gauge what’s happening and clears the room to deal with another problem.

Becca then confronts Jake, a contestant she knew from back home in Minnesota because they hung out in the same circles. She questions why he is on the show, because he never showed any interest in her before. Jake doesn’t really have a good explanation or even a good defense. He tells her he only “consciously remembers meeting her once before,” which is never a good way to start off any relationship, period. Becca, recognizing bullshit when she sees it, sends Jake home.

At the rose ceremony, Becca gives most of the men of color roses, which is almost unheard of in this franchise. She eliminates Kamil, Grant, Darius, Christian and, most shockingly, Trader Joe, whose elimination proves a tragic loss for the viewing audience. She also decides not to even touch the Chase drama and sends Chase home, giving the final rose to Chris.

ABC/Paul Hebert/Courtesy

ABC/Paul Hebert/Courtesy

Week Two

Finally, we’re past the first night and on to the weekly dates. The first group date of the season takes Clay, Nick, Chris, David, Jean Blanc, Jordan, Connor and Lincoln to try on expensive tuxedos. Bootleg-Zoolander Jordan gives the men a lesson in professional walking and pensive gazing. Honestly, Jordan should just host “America’s Next Top Model” because he gives Becca the most important tip for modeling: “Before you put your socks on … put your confidence on.” How is this man not a household name already?

The men follow Becca outside, where they’re informed that they’re going to be competing in a messy, relationship-themed obstacle course with with obstacles such as: Ball & Chain, Cold Feet, Getting Over Your Exes and Race to the Altar.

Lincoln with the vaguely British accent wins the race, though many of the guys think he may have cheated to get there. It doesn’t help that he receives a framed photo of him and Becca at the “altar” during the after-party and rubs it in everyone’s faces. Connor gets fed up and throws the photo into the pool, which is admittedly overkill but makes for great petty drama. The group date rose goes to Jean Blanc, the “colognoisseur” — that’s his actual job title on the show. And who says producers don’t have a sense of humor? Lincoln cries about the squabble to Becca and other contestants.

Becca goes on a one-on-one date with animal-riding Blake. They are taken to a warehouse filled with memorabilia from Becca and Arie’s relationship, including the couch Arie broke up with her on and a wall of televisions constantly replaying Arie’s infamous proposal to Becca. God (otherwise known as “Bachelor” producers) forbid we forget Becca’s televised past relationship drama.

Lil Jon is there, randomly, to be the hype man. Becca and Blake then spend the day smashing everything to pieces in a montage set to “Turn Down for What.” While it is a bit weird to have a date themed around an ex, who doesn’t want to cathartically destroy every remnant of a relationship that ended badly? During dinner afterward, Blake relates his own prior heartbreak, and Becca is instantly smitten, giving him the rose and kissing him against a wall.

For the second group date, Garrett, John, Ryan, Alex, Christon, Trent, Leo, Wills and Colton go to a school to play dodgeball and get ruthlessly coached by some vicious elementary schoolers. Notable quote: “You think Becca wants trash?”

The real drama happens during the after-party, when Colton confesses to Becca that he had a relationship with Tia, a fellow contestant with Becca in Arie’s season.

During the cocktail party, Jordan strips down to his underwear and walks around the mansion before interrupting David’s time with Becca. David gets irked. He and Jordan have a small tiff about whether Jordan is taking the whole process seriously. The real question is, of course, whether Becca takes Jordan seriously, the answer to which is probably not, since he brings up male modeling all too often and pronounces ingenuity as “in-genuine-nity.”

Becca is still unsure about Colton but gives him a rose anyway. In the end, she sends home Rickey, Alex and Trent, slowly cutting down the forgettable contestants.

ABC/Paul Hebert/Courtesy

ABC/Paul Hebert/Courtesy

Week Three

To deal with Colton’s past, the producers decide to kill two birds with one stone by bringing in Becca’s friends from Arie’s season — including Tia, of course — on one of the group dates of the week. Wills, Jason, Jordan, Jean Blanc, David and Colton meet Becca at a spa, where she informs them that they will be the ones pampering her and her girlfriends for the day, making this the least exciting date since Nick Viall had his group shovel poop in a barn for a day.

Tia and Colton must awkwardly acknowledge each other’s existence as the guys “pamper” the girls. Becca pulls Tia aside to talk about the Colton situation and to make sure she’s not, like, going against the rules of feminism. Tia assures her that their relationship was strictly PG and never really progressed after he told her he was applying for the show. That’s enough reassurance for Becca — during the after-party, she pulls Colton aside, and they share a ridiculously long kiss.

It’s no surprise that Colton gets the group date rose.

The one-on-one date goes to the secret twin of Perez Hilton, Chris. They go to Capitol Records and meet Grammy Award-winning singer/songwriter Richard Marx. Marx completely ignores the fact that this is their first date and tells the couple that they are going to write their own love song. Becca notices how Chris is visibly uncomfortable but comforts (read: makes out with) him enough for him to to write a few lines of OK lyrics.

At dinner, Chris confesses that it’s hard for him to be vulnerable because he wrote a letter to his estranged father years back and never received a response. After Becca gives Chris the rose, Marx serenades the couple, thankfully with one of his own songs.

Back at the house, an ambulance pulls up: There is blood on the floor, and someone is being carried out on a stretcher! Chris Harrison knocks on Becca’s door and tells her that David has been rushed to the hospital and is in intensive care!

Why?

Because he fell out of his bed and landed on his face.

Um, what.

Becca bites her lip to stop herself from laughing when she calls David to make sure he’s OK. Rightfully embarrassed, David admits the most first-world injury reason ever, explaining that he is so used to sleeping on a king-size bed that he rolled right off the top bunk.

On the second group date of the week, Clay, Leo, Christon, Ryan, John, Garrett, Mike, Lincoln and Blake go on the show’s mandatory football date. The guys are trained by professional female footballers from the Legends Football League, a league in which the football players play in shoulder pads, bras and tight spandex booty pants.

Before the audience can question whether this league is considered an actual sporting event or a professionalized fetish, the guys are divided into teams and compete in a friendly game of football for Becca’s heart. Clay, the professional football player who plays in the actual NFL, does well, believe it or not. He makes a final winning play by running the ball all the way into the end zone.

In the process, however, Clay makes an actual injury to his wrist that could actually affect his actual career and is taken in an ambulance to the hospital. But he pops in later at the after-party with his arm in a sling, securing him the group date rose and his place in America’s heart as a soft teddy bear.

During the cocktail party later, Clay struggles with deciding between continuing to pursue Becca on the show and pursuing his NFL career by rehabilitating his injury. He realizes how stupid it would be to sacrifice anything for the “chance of love” on a nine-week dating show and leaves to recover from his injury. He and Becca have a tearful goodbye, and the episode ends on this sad note without even getting to the rose ceremony.

And now you’re all caught up and ready to watch the next-day upload of Monday’s episode, which promises David’s return with a face so messed up that the editors have blurred it out. Who doesn’t love a mystery?

Contact Julie Lim at [email protected].