Campus not ready to deal with students coming back from break

students_zainabali_file
Zainab Ali/File

The UC Berkeley campus has been losing its mind in the past week as more and more students have begun to return to campus with the start of summer session C.

“I just wanted to spend some quality time with Oski and the Campanile,” the campus said between sobs. “I don’t need the stress of having stressed-out students all over me.”

Neither Oski nor the Campanile responded to requests for comment.

While a relatively small number of students are in Berkeley now compared to during the course of the semester, this reappearance of at least a portion of the student body has put the campus under an extreme amount of pressure.

“AHHHHHHHH!” the campus said in a statement released earlier today. “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Unconfirmed sources report that this sounded a lot like their internal monologues during the school year.

Further study suggests that all of these sources are almost definitely all students.

Experts say the long years of collective student suffering on campus has had a negative impact on the campus’s general outlook on life.

“I thought I was rid of all of those stupid little rodents,” the campus said. “And no, not the squirrels. I love those cute little things. They’re actually happy.”

On the other hand, the campus was reported to have been very welcoming of the plethora of tourists over the months of summer, and it looked forward to some low-key time with the new, bright-eyed visitors.

“It’s nice to only be aesthetic once in a while, you know?” the campus said. “It’s important to be able to dress up for a nice, uh, family once in a while!”

Throughout the year, students reportedly spend a disproportionate amount of their time in libraries or classes and are only seen outside when going between the two, and even then, they are not properly appreciating the campus scenery.

At press time, the UC Berkeley campus was reminded that fall semester is only a few short months away, and it broke down into endless screams once more.

The campus is not available for further comment.

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Jonathan Lai at [email protected] .