Game of Thorns: Week 5 of the ‘The Bachelorette’ visits Vegas, victimizes villains

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This week, Becca and her entourage of men head to Las Vegas. As the old saying goes, “What happens in Vegas gets broadcasted to millions of viewers in the following months.”

Colton gets the first one-on-one of the week. Based on Becca’s full-on “The Notebook”-style kiss, it’s safe to say that she is way over her hesitations about him and Tia. In a not-very-Vegas fashion, the two go camel riding in the desert. But in very “Bachelor” fashion, the couple rides its way to a lone hot tub in the middle of the desert, checking off another franchise essential for the season, along with ambulances and unnecessary Chris Harrison appearances.

Colton, of course, opens up about his past relationship and a previous unrequited “I love you” that made him more guarded in future relationships. He cinches the date rose by telling Becca she is helping him bring his wall down. The two walk the Strip, where they see a giant screen telling Colton to kiss her.

On the group date, Wills, Garrett, Blake, John, Connor, Leo, Lincoln, Jason and Chris take a limousine out to a gorgeous mansion estate that is so big that the producers have to use drone footage to show it. Colton probably feels cheated — they only rode on camels for his date, and this date has actual peacocks and horses. It turns out that the estate belongs to famed Las Vegas entertainer Wayne Newton, and he gives the group a tour of the mansion.

The producers must have run out of date ideas, because Newton tells the men that they are each going to write Becca a song. Everyone tries to brainstorm lyrics while wandering around the estate, which is so big that no one ever runs into anyone else and Becca and Newton have to haul ass to check in with everybody. Newton’s bar for these men is set so low that he is pleasantly surprised by their abilities to “use foreign language” and “to rhyme.”

What is Vegas without a comedy show, so Newton tells the guys that they are going to perform their songs in front of a live audience. They all don black tuxes and sing their lyrics to Newton’s signature song, “Danke Schoen.” The words “crashing” and “burning” are tossed around. Chris, with the false confidence of his previous date with Becca, gets really into the schmoozy crooner role, which the crowd is surprisingly into.

During the after-party, Chris’ confidence begins to implode when he calls himself a top-runner (as if he’s never seen Garrett, Blake, Wills, Colton or Jason) and doesn’t seek out one-on-one time with her, thinking that she will come to him. Blake, on the other hand, actually knows how the show works and tells Becca he is falling in love with her. She is way more receptive to it than she was with Jean Blanc’s confession last week. She gives Blake the group rose, signaling the end of the night. Chris leaves the date feeling rejected after expecting Becca to seek him out in a game show in which he is competing with 11 other men. He thinks about leaving.

Meanwhile, David and off-brand Ken doll Jordan get another “Bachelorette” essential, the two-on-one. Colton, having to suffer being alone with them in the house while the other guys are on the group date, likens them to head-butting rams but predicts they will both fall off the mountain. Jordan is confident going into the date because “David lacks his own personality.” The two men meet Becca at the Valley of Fire, and they all go off-roading to a tiny cabana in the middle of nowhere.

Every two-on-one follows a similar structure to a high school debate competition. One guy states his argument by talking shit about the other guy, the other guy rebuts him, and then the two react to each other’s counterarguments through petty insults before the moderator (read: the Bachelorette) steps in and chooses a winner.

In this case, David tells Becca that Jordan is a player who feels like he’s settling for her. When Becca relays this information to Jordan, he denies it, and for a split second, he opens up about watching his parents’ decades of marriage and his dad supporting his mom through mental illness. Jordan then confronts David about his accusations and spews off some quality Jordanisms before Becca comes in to talk to both of them. She asks David if Jordan actually ever said “settling,” and David admits to paraphrasing.

The conversation devolves into more petty bickering between the two men. Becca has to literally walk off because she “feels like (she’s) in sixth grade.” She is clearly not into either of them enough to really care about who goes home. When she comes back from what we call “definitely not talking to the producers,” she sends David home for making the date about questioning Jordan’s character.

She doesn’t give Jordan a rose yet — the two go to a fancy dinner to actually get to know each other. Becca learns way more about modeling than she ever wanted to know. Realizing they have nothing in common, she decides to also send Jordan home.

At the cocktail party, Chris is still imploding, and Becca pulls him aside. When Becca actually confronts him about his insecurities, Chris denies wanting to leave. He regrets that he did “one thing wrong” to mess up their relationship.

The conversation does not end well. Chris comes back to interrupt her and Wills, breaking the cardinal unspoken — albeit often broken — rule of the franchise: Never go back for more one-on-one time when there are others who haven’t had any time with the Bachelorette yet.

Later, Chris admits to Becca that he messed up. He says the old him would have left after the group date, although it is unclear who the “old him” is. Like him-at-the-group-date old him?  Maybe he’s just secretly tired of writing love songs for a woman he only met a few weeks ago.

At the rose ceremony, the final rose is between token-Asian John and Chris. Likely because the producers need to fill the Jordanless airtime with other drama, the final rose goes to Chris. In his exit interview, John tears up a bit. Maybe it’s love, maybe it’s nonstop 10-hour filming. What’s the difference?

Contact Julie Lim at [email protected].