‘The Purge’ in real life: How students at UC Berkeley would participate in the Purge

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Emily Bi/Staff

“The First Purge” made its grand debut July 4, following in a line of violent and mesmerizing predecessors. Creepy-ass masks, the lack of law enforcement and absolute carnage. Will the students of UC Berkeley take part in the next installment in the series? WWBSD (What would Berkeley students do)? The Clog speculates.

1. Give those sad GPAs a facelift

With GPAs ranging anywhere from 2.8 to 3.7 and anywhere in between, a truly smart and savvy UC Berkeley student would seize the opportunity to give their own the little puff in the cheeks it needs. Whether that means hacking into the system (or renting a hacker for a day — we don’t judge) or destroying your ungraded midterm, we can’t quite say. What we can say is that grad school doesn’t get into itself.

2. Set Sproul Plaza on fire (again)

This time, it won’t be for a political statement. This time, it’ll be for fun, to feel the burning passion of the flames, heat and arson coursing through the vei — for fun.

3. Probably have a protest on why UC Berkeley shouldn’t purge

UC Berkeley students can’t let a day as significant as this one go to waste when they could be out in front of Sather Gate, arms linked, shedding light on the next pressing issue. It’s the Berkeley way.

4. Step on the seals as many times as they want because ain’t nobody going to tell superstitious UC Berkeley students what to do on Purge night

Word.

5. Frolic in Strawberry Creek

Because fuck nature and research, right? Right. It’s been calling various students’ names for years, but few have had the balls to disrupt the balance of the urban world and the natural world. Until now. The plants and animals can regroup the next day — we’re sure of it.

6. Raid all the boba stores

The one day a year when UC Berkeley students can get boba drinks for free shall not be wasted. Four to five dollars for a cup of milk, sugar and squishy black stuff? Not today! Hopefully they’re as skilled at making drinks as they are at drinking them.

7. Violate the sanctity of the substance-free environments

Time to bring the party back to the dorms. No RA is going to stop students from getting lit in every single nook and cranny of UC Berkeley’s campus. They’ll take it upon themselves to christen these drug-free zones as “drug zones.”

If purging ever does become legal, this article can be a great guide for UC Berkeley alumni and future students alike! Don’t be afraid to get creative with your own bright purging ideas. 

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Pooja Bale at [email protected] .

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