Clog report: Roommate doesn’t clean because of past experiences

clean_cc_publicdomainpictures-net
publicdomainpictures.net/Creative Commons

The UC Berkeley community was shaken this week as conclusive evidence revealed that your roommate doesn’t clean because of a traumatic history related to sanitation, not because of just being an asshole, as was previously believed.

“We have compelling reasons to believe that your less-than-ideal living situation is due to some horrifying circumstances in your roommate’s past,” said Chancellor Carol Christ in an email sent to you earlier today. “Rather than, say, their overly privileged upbringing or just a sociopathic indifference to basic living standards.”

You have been receiving considerable backlash from the UC Berkeley community for your inconsiderate assumptions and for spreading those false rumors among your friends and family.

While details have been kept vague because of privacy concerns, it is reported that your roommate lost a close friend in a freak accident. The circumstances of that accident somehow resulted in a fixation on washing dishes, a chore your roommate to this day takes every opportunity to avoid taking any part in.

“This seeming indifference to dirtiness, such as their reluctance to wash their dirty dishes, is an essential coping mechanism for your roommate,” Christ said in the email. “Please don’t pressure them. That’s just cruel and indecent.”

Experts have concluded that the never-shrinking pile of dirty dishes in the sink that you always eventually end up having to wash, as well as the random piles of dirty clothes lying all over the apartment that you also inevitably have to pick up, are necessary parts of your roommate’s day-to-day functionality as a human being.

One study expressed surprise that your roommate is capable of doing their own laundry given their otherwise deplorable (yet totally understandable) cleanliness habits.

Unconfirmed sources say they know of someone with a similar problem involving soap in general, and that you should be relieved you don’t have to deal with that personal hygiene nightmare. 

Your roommate’s parents have urged you to avoid even the mention of the words “vacuum cleaner,” as that segues into a whole other host of deep psychological issues. Other trigger words include “Clorox” and “take out the trash.”

“You truly do not wish to see the inside of their actual home,” finished Christ in her email. “They’re honestly already stepping it way up for you.”

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Jonathan Lai at [email protected] .