Game of Thorns: Week 8 of ‘The Bachelorette’ shows off every small town in America through bland hometown dates

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Ohhhh, the hometowns. Where Sean Lowe showed Emily Maynard that he lived with his parents, JoJo Fletcher’s mom gained a cult following for her wine-drinking ways, and Ben Higgins brutally cut Amanda Stanton after meeting her kids. With only four guys left and a proposal looming ahead, Becca must get interrogated by the families of the guys she met only two months ago.

First up is Garrett’s hometown of Manteca, California, a town so small that it was just called “Central California” in his bio. Garrett’s family apparently owns a tomato transplanting company, and he wastes no time in putting Becca to work. The two sit on the back of a tractor and plant tomato plants. Later, Becca sits on his lap while he drives the tractor. The two make out while the tractor chugs along the dirt field in some “FarmVille” version of romance. Thanks, Mark Zuckerberg!

Becca continues to gush about how Garrett loves the outdoors, which is enough to remind her of her late dad. They plant a rosebush, which admittedly is cute but is also a lot of manual labor for a hometown date.

When the couple later meets up with Garrett’s family, it is clear that the Yrigoyens do not like Garrett’s ex. At all. All they can seem to talk about it how much his ex sucked — “the happiness out” of him, that is. Though she looks very similar to said ex, Becca convinces the family that she’s nothing like her, and the date ends with a sweet kiss.

Next, Becca visits Jason in Buffalo, New York. He is very excited about to show her the birthplace of the buffalo wing. So excited, in fact, that their first activity is a buffalo wing-eating championship at the very restaurant where buffalo wings were invented. When asked between blue cheese and ranch for dipping sauce, Becca wins over the whole city of Buffalo by asserting that there’s “no ranch in Buffalo,” which must be some unspoken fact big enough to make the whole crowd cheer.

Finally realizing there are only so many times a person can say “Buffalo” before getting tired, Jason takes Becca to the local ice rink, where he shows off his hockey skills (read: bouncing the puck on the stick). To make sure he’s not outdone by a tractor, Jason gives Becca a ride on the zamboni.

Jason’s family talks about how emotionally guarded he is, just in case Becca didn’t get the memo. Which is why, apparently, it is a huge deal later when Jason tells Becca he is in love with her. After dinner, the two make out outside his house as Becca continues to gush about how good of a kisser he is.

Becca flies on over to Bailey, Colorado, to meet Blake. She’s immediately met with a blizzard’s worth of snow. Blake shows her around his old high school and takes her to meet his old high school football coaches. At first, it seems that he’s just reliving his high school glory days. But later, while sitting in uncomfortably small chairs at the school’s library, he tells her that he went through a school shooting during his senior year.

After lingering on that somber subject for a few moments, Blake surprises Becca in the auditorium with a performance by Betty Who, who may be one of the only performers on the show who isn’t a random country singer. Later, the couple heads over to meet his family, where Becca tactfully (but unfortunately) does not ask about Blake’s mother’s affair with the basketball coach.

Rather than talking about that saucy drama, the family talks about Blake’s heartbreak after his last breakup, which did not suck the life out of him as Garrett’s did, but it did lead him to have panic attacks. Like all vanilla hometown dates, the date goes well and ends with a kiss.

Becca doesn’t even have to fly out of state to visit Colton in Parker, Colorado. Colton knows how to make himself look good as they go shopping for some of the kids at the local children’s hospital and do some crafts with them. It’s a smart choice — not only does this show off what a nice guy he is, it subtly reminds her that he would be a good father. All across America, women’s ovaries exploded when he finger-painted with sick children.

Colton takes Becca to meet his very extended family, which is so large that Colton stops trying to name them all and just refers to them as “aunts” and “uncles.” Colton’s dad, who looks like a balder, older version of Colton, keeps bringing up the Tia situation from weeks ago, though Colton assures that he “addressed it like a man.” If addressing it like a man means he dropped the bomb on Becca by awkwardly bringing it up after a group date, then sure, Colton.  

Colton talks about being a virgin with his mom, who is probably realizing the weirdness of talking with her 26-year-old about his sex life on national television. As with every single damn dramaless hometown, Becca leaves satisfied, and the camera pans out on her lip-locked with Colton.

But because this is “The Bachelorette,” there must be drama. Thankfully, the producers reached out to Becca’s gang of girls from Arie’s season to swing by. Bekah Martinez, Seinne Fleming, Tia Booth, Caroline Lunny and Kendall Long all meet Becca at some fancy penthouse in Los Angeles, where Tia tries her best not to have a constipated look whenever Becca mentions Colton. Before Becca can continue talking about how Jason kisses like a Greek god, Tia takes her aside.

Realizing that this is her best chance to have a good storyline on “Bachelor in Paradise,” Tia tells Becca that she still has feelings for Colton. She couldn’t do this week three, when Becca specifically asked her about Colton? She couldn’t do this before Becca cut some quality guys (R.I.P., John and Wills)? She couldn’t do this literally any week before Becca met Colton’s family? Becca looks utterly confused, as though she’s wondering why she is still friends with Tia. We all wonder, too.

At the rose ceremony, Colton takes a minute to ask Chris Harrison about being intimate in the fantasy suite dates next week. Chris Harrison takes a moment to wonder what his role is when all the roses are still on the table but then realizes he is still the show’s closest thing to a confidant.

While trying not to laugh, he subtly implies that Colton doesn’t need to have sex in the fantasy suite. Colton’s inquiries don’t even matter, as Blake, Jason and Garrett get the roses, leaving him behind before he can even get the chance to swipe his V-card. But it’s okay, since he’s headed to “Paradise,” where Tia-with-the-terrible-timing is waiting for him!

Contact Julie Lim at [email protected].