Experts conclude that mornings do, in fact, hate you, too

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Isabella Schreiber/Staff

Studies have found that your hatred of mornings is mutual: Mornings, in fact, hate you, too.

“It can’t be easy getting a whole time zone up and running,” said lead scientist Josephine Diaz. “Especially given what the morning has to deal with on a day-to-day basis.”

“Imagine all of us cranky, sleep-deprived losers that it has to start off the early hours for, every single day,” Diaz added.

Though details remain vague, Diaz’s team hypothesized that just as humans perform specific rituals in the early hours of the day, mornings also have somewhat similar coping mechanisms.

“It’s the same way people half-consciously snooze their alarm clocks an average of four times every day while moaning in despair,” Diaz explained. “Or that later habit of staring off into space while consuming unholy amounts of caffeine and hating the world at large.”

It has been suggested that these coping mechanisms may involve the perpetual darkness of the sky, though some have stressed that this could potentially be due to unrelated factors.

“If you think it’s hard to get up in the morning,” said Diaz, “imagine the morning having to get up for you.”

Experts say that intense loathing is nothing personal, however. Mornings actually just hate everyone.

“Maybe a few centuries ago, things were different,” Diaz said. “But our collective hatred of mornings has, over the years, eventually resulted in mornings hating people as well.”

Another recent study has concluded that the so-called “morning people” do not exist, disproving yet another myth told to us by the government. Experts remain uncertain as to what these pieces of fake news actually accomplish.

These new findings have come with a sudden willingness of multiple mornings to communicate their intense distress, though that communication has proved to be inconsistent at best.

Just last week, the sky abruptly went dark as the morning concluded that it “wasn’t being paid enough for this crap.”

An intern on Diaz’s team reportedly sighed and muttered, “Same.”

At press time, Diaz confirmed that she had just spent all day trying to fit in the word “mourning” as a pun in her abstract.

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Jonathan Lai at [email protected] .