Game of Thorns: Week 2 of ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ highlights why everybody hates Chris

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We start right where we left off, with the “Goose Gang,” a self-imposed title Nick, Jordan and Chris have given themselves, confronting Colton about his intentions on the show. Nobody seems to trust Colton, and they are unsure why he is still open to new connections and not all over Tia after one weekend with her months ago.

Colton tells the guys he made it very clear where he and Tia stand with each other and that he’s not ready to jump into another relationship after still being hung up over Becca. The bigger tragedy, though, is Chris constantly referring to himself as “The Goose” in third person. You can’t give yourself a nickname, OK, Chris? That’s just not how it works.

In news unrelated to Tia and Colton drama, Kenny gets a date card and asks Krystal out, which Kevin is not happy about. David continues being pointless by trying to warn Annaliese about Jordan. Annaliese hopes to be engaged at the end of this, not realizing how this show works. Jordan sets up a dinner date on the beach for Annaliese, which is adorable and slightly awkward when he tells her that he’s obsessed with people who are good with their hands. In reference to her being an artist! Get your mind out of the gutter!

The show claims Yuki Kimura from “The Bachelor Winter Games” is here to “help bartend,” even though her interview is immediately followed by a shot of her chest while she shakes a drink mixer. Meanwhile, Kenny and Krystal go watch a Mexican wrestling match where Kenny, the professional wrestler, “spontaneously” steps into the ring and wins the fight in a “not rehearsed” wrestling sequence. The two later kiss, despite the fact that they’re sweating enough to create another ocean.

 

Kevin moves on from Krystal and begins hitting up Astrid. They’re blandly cute together, even though Kevin says “Astrid and me” in his interview, slowly crushing grammar nerds across the country.

But heaven forbid we spend too much time away from Tia and Colton’s nonsense. Tia realizes she doesn’t want to fool around with Colton if he’s not serious and wants Colton to prove himself. What went down their one weekend together that made Tia this hung up?

Chris Harrison makes his appearance of the week to start the cocktail party and to add “weather forecaster” to his resume: He warns the contestants of a storm, one coming both literally in Paradise and figuratively at the rose ceremony. With nine women and 11 men, the guys hurriedly make sure they have forced connections to guarantee them roses.

Tia sees this as the perfect time to confront Colton about where they stand. Colton maintains that he wants to keep his options open, and Tia gets mad, even though that’s the whole point of a dating show where new people show up every week. She makes a vague threat about no one else giving Colton a rose and storms off to find Chris, her second choice, to tell him how unfair it is for her to be someone’s second choice.

At the rose ceremony, Krystal gives her rose to Kenny, Astrid to Kevin, Tia to Chris (who “doesn’t want to brag” but proceeds to brag), Kendall to Joe, Annaliese to Jordan, Nysha to Eric, Chelsea to David and Angela to John. Just when it looks like Colton’s about to go home, Bibiana gives her rose to Colton to give him the chance for people to actually get to know him. Tia, who thinks she owns the whole show at this point, gets mad that her threat fell through and angrily stews about having to see him date other people. Nick and Wills go home roseless.

The next day, Chris Harrison shows up again, and as everyone knows, when Chris Harrison shows up and it’s not a rose ceremony, it’s never good. He tells the guys to go down to the beach and brings out Becca to talk to the girls. Kenny sneaks over to see who arrived and tells Colton the bad news. Colton breaks down in his room about the whirlwind of everything that has happened the past few days, especially when he sees Becca and Tia talking.

The producers must really have it out for Midwestern former NFL players, because Becca goes to have a chat with Colton. She has a longer breakup talk with him, explaining how Tia didn’t play a part in their relationship and how the other guys had fit better in her life. After having some closure, Colton goes back to the guys and announces that he’s staying. After all, this is a free vacation in Mexico and exposure on television — who would want to leave? Chris reassures us that “The Goose is not concerned at all,” so we can all rest easy, except for the concern that Chris refers to himself in third person this often.

Jenna Cooper from Arie’s season comes in all bubbly, having a bizarre repartee with Chris Harrison about being an alien. But she’s hot, so it’s considered quirky. Jordan is immediately smitten with Jenna. She asks him out with her date card. Their date consists of horseback riding and a beach makeout, complete with Jenna’s bikini butt being censored with a black box the entire time. Jordan, being Jordan, comes back from the date and straight-up tells Annaliese that the date was fantastic and that his connection with Jenna was so strong that it would be hard for Annaliese and him to catch up. God bless his blunt candor.

Meanwhile, Eric pursues Angela, and they make out. Kevin continues to mildly irk people by wearing a backward cap in the pool while cuddling with Astrid. Caroline Lunny from Arie’s season pops in, and she’s so nervous that she out-awkwards Joe when talking with him. She asks John out with her date card, even though her typical type is jock and John literally says “Come hither” when walking with her. The two have a bland date, walking around and having dinner in the local town, where Caroline constantly gets distracted by animals and interrupts John trying to have an actual conversation.

Jubilee Sharpe from Ben’s season comes back for her second turn in Paradise. She and John immediately have a connection about being different from other contestants on their seasons, aka being some of the only contestants of color on their respective seasons. She interrupts John and Caroline cuddling to ask him out on a date, which he accepts. They go ziplining, even though at this point no one watches the show for the exotic dates.

During dinner, Jubilee talks about doing computer and radio communication in the military, and John pretends that’s similar to his software programming, so they bond over having jobs related to technology. He brings up programming for Venmo, to which Jubilee represents all of America by saying, “I totally have that app!” and being decently impressed. She says what everyone’s thinking and asks him what he’s doing here.

Back at the resort, Krystal is here to stir things up by flirting with Chris, who has just told Tia that he was excited to explore their relationship. Chris thinks he’s being really cool and romantic by telling her he’s never kissed a blonde before and wants her to be his first. Why are you like this, Chris? Why? You’re making it so hard for us to give you a second chance. Krystal doesn’t mind and still makes out with him.

Of course, what happens in a bungalow in Paradise doesn’t stay in a bungalow in Paradise. Chris tells Kevin what went down the night before, who tells Colton, who tells Tia. While this is happening, Chris pretends he’s suddenly the hot commodity in Paradise by making plans with Jordan to make out with more girls through some weird, “Mad Men”-esque food metaphor.

Apparently, Krystal is the main course, appetizers will be Annaliese, and dessert obviously has to be Bibiana. With these delusional plans, Chris is excited to be the first guy in Paradise to make out with four girls. Do they not know that they’re always being filmed and that conversations like this will be aired to millions of people? Does Chris never want another chance with a girl? Worse yet, he wears a headband that makes him look like an even douchier Johnny Lawrence.

Although the show ends before Tia can confront Chris, in more wholesome news, the after-credits scene is Kendall and Joe “arguing” over whether avocado or relish is better in a tuna fish sandwich. Thankfully, there is still good in the Bachelor world.

Contact Julie Lim at [email protected].