Golden Bear Orientation leaders reportedly lose all 9,000 new students

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William Bennett/Staff

Orientation kicked off this week to welcome almost 9,000 incoming students to UC Berkeley. The new Golden Bear Orientation, or GBO, enters its second year as the successor to CalSO in supporting new students in their transitions to college, with an extensive immersion into the UC Berkeley experience.

That introductory experience came to a halt today as it was discovered that the orientation leaders, or OLs, had somehow lost almost all of the 9,000 new freshmen and junior transfers.

“We actually have no idea what happened to them,” said one OL. “They seem to have just vanished off the face of the earth.”

“Like my hopes and dreams,” another added. “And that priority enrollment that was offered to the leaders last year.”

Experts have suggested that there are good odds that the missing students are lost somewhere deep in Dwinelle Hall, a building famous for its questionable architecture. Hopes are not very high for finding them.

“Everyone in Berkeley has a story about getting lost in Dwinelle looking for a class, or more often, a bathroom,” said Chancellor Carol Christ in a statement. “This just proves what we’ve all always known: Dwinelle Hall is a black hole.”

Unconfirmed sources reported that the missing 9,000 students were actually collectively sacrificed to an unholy spirit by the OLs in return for some real compensation beyond a “true volunteer culture.”

The administration is currently struggling to deal with the sudden lack of students, as the disappearance of the freshman class and the reduced number of students in their junior year will have severe repercussions for the campus.

There have been talks of increasing tuition to account for the sudden budget deficit, though the campus is still balancing that against the lowered costs of having 9,000 fewer students.

Other sources have revealed that the administration is considering opening emergency applications to replace the missing students, if only to see exactly how many people Dwinelle could conceivably swallow up.

Until then, the campus has encouraged students to look at the bright side of things, such as the increase in number of open spots in some prerequisite classes.

“If nothing else,” said Christ, “there will be much less of a housing crisis next year.”

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Jonathan Lai at [email protected] .