How not to get lost on UC Berkeley’s campus this fall

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Zainab Ali/File

Stepping foot on UC Berkeley’s campus can be quite intimidating. No, it’s not because of the students or the wild bears milling about. It’s because it’s so damn big and twisty. Northside? Southside? Are those even directions? If you find yourself as flabbergasted as we at the Clog once were (and still are), follow our dandy guide on how to get around Cal’s confusing as fuck campus.

Follow the Kiwibots

They may not be going where you’re going, but they have cute flags and will take you for a wild spin around campus, which, in itself, is worth it. They’ll take you down all the shortcuts through the woods, which are best not traversed alone. If a Kiwibot accidentally (or purposefully) short-circuits itself in Strawberry Creek, falls down an open manhole or gets run over by a rogue BART train, that’s none of your business. They can handle themselves. Robots are the future after all. *insert ominous tone*

Take a dunk in Strawberry Creek yourself

The creek runs all throughout campus and is bound to reach some relevant building somewhere if you just drift down it. You may or may not run into a creepy dude living under one of the many bridges or inside one of the many cave-like structures that span the creek, but you can always ask them for help with directions when you’re caught in a sticky sitch. Don’t be a stranger!

Befriend a squirrel

They know the campus best: where to get the best food, where to stay dry when it rains and how to intimidate other creatures into running away screaming when they want to be alone in a particular space. Try to look for a squirrel that’s missing half its tail. This means it’s a seasoned traveler and can probably take you to some amazing places to study, chill or wallow in the exact hall you need to be in. Make sure you ask nicely so you don’t get your face ripped off or your precious trail mix stolen.

Learn how to read

What up? Are you possibly named Jared, 19 and never learned how to read? Maybe it’s time, honeybun. Knowing how to read can be quite useful when looking at signs and maps that point out where you need to go.

Just don’t bother at all

Okay, for you spatially-challenged students who likely went into Dwinelle once and didn’t make it out until two weeks later when a janitor found you huddled and rocking in a corner on level B, sometimes it’s best to give up all hope and sit in your room all day.

However you choose to navigate (or not) campus, the one place that you absolutely must know is Faculty Glade, which you can roll down to lock in that elusive Berkeley 4.0. That’s all the advice we have for you today, but feel free to check out a slightly more legitimate guide to not getting lost on campus, here. Peace, love, Clog.

Contact Pooja Bale at [email protected] .