Clog report: RSF faces dwindling number of exercisers in near future

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Calvin Tang/File

The Recreational Sports Facility is considered by many to be the crown jewel of all of UC Berkeley’s gyms. As more and more get settled into their housing accomodations, the RSF has been experiencing an influx of students who have promised themselves that once they get to college, they will work out during every free waking moment they have.

Currently, the RSF is packed with exercise junkies trying to fit as many leg and arm exercises as possible into one day until they can’t sit properly anymore, as well as hordes of freshmen with their newfound exercise buddies, exercise outfits and exercise selfies.

But soon, as the crippling weight of UC Berkeley’s academic stress begins to descend upon the shoulders of the bright-eyed, bushy-tailed runners, weight lifters and more, the RSF will begin to border on empty. Those students will be busy typing up those 10-page papers that were due the day before and crying in Main Stacks instead of working up a sweat. 

Other students who initially planned to ward off the freshman 15 by sticking to a strict exercise schedule at the RSF will promptly have their plans dashed by the start of the new Cal Dining plan.

The Clog’s educated data scientists predict that the number of students both inside and loitering outside the RSF, debating whether or not to go in, will decrease by up to 73.6583%.

Yogi Matt, resident yoga instructor, is shocked by the number of students who showed up to his class on freshman move-in day and how each day, systematically fewer and fewer reappeared. He disappointedly stated, “Having a nice ass just isn’t as important as it used to be.”

Another out-of-breath student outside of the RSF remarked, “After walking around campus to my classes all day, I was tired after just that, so I turned right back around and walked away. I didn’t even go in.”  

The Clog predicts that there will be more such students lingering outside the RSF until eventually they stop bothering to show up at all.

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Pooja Bale at [email protected] .