Game of Thorns: Week 4 of ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ is a guidebook on how to alienate all women

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To quote Astrid, “Let’s find out whose life is getting ruined today!” “Bachelor in Paradise” really hones in the reality TV drama this week. 

With the Colton and Tia drama finally put to rest, or at the very least hibernating, the focus is now on the couples in romantic triangles. Joe and Jordan, arguably the best duo to come out of Paradise, lament over their respective relationships with blondes who cannot decide who to commit to.

Meanwhile, Chris and Krystal bond over their very deep talk on how Chris thinks that butts are “one of the most important things.” Chris thinks that he and Krystal are “potentially the strongest couple on Paradise” –– a statement just as delusional as when he thought he was a frontrunner on Becca’s season.

But nothing good can last in Paradise –– which is made evident by “Connor and the boys” (re: his abs) walking in fully prepared to steal Krystal from whoever she’s with. He immediately pulls her aside to talk, which troubles the “Goose.” Krystal surprisingly tells Connor that she’s smitten with Chris. She reassures Chris that she’s in it for him, but that doesn’t stop her from accepting the date card when Connor officially asks her out.

While Chris remains in denial about the fact that Krystal might not want to be with a grown man who nicknames himself after a waterfowl, Jenna continues to make out with both Jordan and Benoit. Jordan tears up a little over the fact that someone might be more into a Canadian than a certified Wilhelmina model.

Kenny realizes that there are more important things to do than sit around in a humid Mexican beach filled with crabs (of both kinds) and sits down with Annaliese to tell her that he’s leaving because he can’t miss his daughter’s recital.

Krystal and Connor return from their steamy make-out session and, while the show continues to focus on Chris’s slow but steady meltdown, it glosses over the fact that Jubilee went home the day before after John friendzoned her. The show briefly recaps it through a flashback because heaven forbid the “Goose” doesn’t get enough screen time.

 Annaliese remains teary over Kenny’s departure until Kamil, Becca’s night-one reject, walks into Paradise. After mingling with all the blondes, Kamil asks Annaliese out on a date, and she cannot say yes fast enough. After riding an ATV and jumping into a waterfall, Annaliese channels Chris’s endless delusion and confidently states that she and Kamil are one of the strongest couples.

But Annaliese’s assertion may be coming true, as Kevin begins to think Astrid is too good of a catch and feels off because it’s almost too good. He worries about falling for another girl on reality television and tells Astrid that he’s waiting for the other shoe to drop when they go off in the real world. Astrid assures him that she is here for him and doesn’t need to date other guys to know what she wants.

This small spurt of drama preludes the biggest drama of the night. Kendall loves being with Joe but also “craves Leo” like a Berkeley local craves a slice of Artichoke’s pizza. Everyone on the beach except Kendall knows that Leo made out with Chelsea, and Kevin, thinking that she already knew, accidentally lets it slip to her. When Kendall calmly and maturely confronts Leo about his rendezvous, Leo immediately becomes defensive and rationalizes that “kissing is (equivalent to) a handshake in Paradise.”

Leo devolves into an eight-year-old boy and goes on a warpath to figure out who “tattled” on him. Kevin decides to rip the Band-Aid off and tells Leo that he thought Kendall already knew when he told her. He quickly realizes that he is not dealing with a rational adult. Leo spews angry defenses such as, “Why does it matter who kissed who,” and “Everybody is kissing everybody here.”

Leo continues to be the worst person on Earth by confronting Kendall and blaming her for “ruining (his) day.” To her credit, despite Leo’s irrational gaslighting and accusations that Kendall was a liar and fake, she remains calm and mature. She later finds comfort in Joe’s mouth.

Back to the other blonde love triangle, Jenna tells Benoit that she thinks breaking up is the best choice for him, which of course makes him upset. Jenna cries to Jordan about Benoit making her feel bad. Being the loyal golden retriever he is, Jordan goes to Benoit to defend his lady’s honor. Without Jenna’s rose, Benoit quickly moves on to Chelsea, telling the cameras that, “Chelsea could be the one.”

Eric and Angela finally get some screen time when Eric gets a date card. The two spend the night in a luxurious, and more importantly, air-conditioned hotel suite complete with a champagne tower and 5-gallon ice cream sundae. After stuffing themselves with as much dairy as possible, the couple agrees to be “all-in” with each other.

Kendall cannot seem to be satisfied by Trader Joe’s produce and kisses John. For some reason kissing John makes her realize that she is falling for Joe. She runs to go tell him, and he confesses that he is falling for her too.

Meanwhile, Leo stews over the fact that Kendall was upset that he kissed Chelsea and then tried to hide it. At the cocktail party, he angrily toasts to Kendall for being “full of ****” and tells her “good luck with Grocery Store bitch” before storming off. Joe channels his inner South Side and runs after Leo to confront him. Leo channels his inner Real Housewife of Beverly Hills and throws his drink at Joe –– which results in the producers running in to break up the fight.

At the rose ceremony, the women give their roses to their respective partners. Chelsea is the only wild card, and she gives her rose to John, despite making out with Benoit earlier. Connor, Benoit and David are sent home.

The next morning, Olivia, who was apparently from Arie’s season, walks in and takes John –– the only single guy left. They crash a quinceanera, where John impresses no one with his (lack of) dance moves. Despite that, the two kiss.

Cassandra from Juan Pablo’s season comes in and makes all the guys’ jaws drop. She’s so beautiful that Eric forgets about his “all-in” pact with Angela and agrees to go on a date with her. They leave for their date while Angela cries over his betrayal.

At this point, with more women arriving next week, what couple isn’t imploding?

Contact Julie Lim at [email protected].