Unless it’s the Oscars where we delightfully get to watch “La La Land” accidentally win Best Picture, no television program should ever be 3 hours, especially if the program just follows around the drunken exploits of horny 20-somethings on a Mexican resort.
But of course, we all still begrudgingly watch it.
Being “all-in” is suddenly the new “it” term of Paradise, with Angela repeatedly crying how betrayed she feels that Eric is on a date with Cassandra after promising to be “all-in” with her the night before. Meanwhile, Eric and Cassandra ride horses in some sort of rodeo/parade/competition that they win with no context.
The “all-in” fad reaches Colton, who really internalizes the word and realizes he cannot be “all-in” with Tia. Tia, on the other hand, has no idea and keeps talking to the cameras about how solid and secure they are. Of course in Paradise, as soon as you say “secure,” the producers will do everything in their power to show how your relationship is decidedly not secure.
Colton finds Tia and breaks up with her, and both shed way more tears than warranted. They leave Paradise rather than taking advantage of a few more free days at a Mexican beach resort. It’s okay though, since Colton is going to be the next Bachelor and will get to jetset around the world for a few months before proposing to a woman he can finally fall in love with. Just Tia gets the short end of everything.
Colton: “im just so confused. I need to find myself. This is so difficult…”
Drive Thru Worker: “sir, we just want to know if you want fries or not…” #BachelorInParadise
— JP (@jpleitz922) September 5, 2018
As Chelsea aptly narrates, “Paradise has been shooketh.” Everyone becomes insecure about their two-week relationships after Colton and Tia leave. Jenna turns into a hot mess of tears, and Jordan, the loving, loyal golden retriever, does his best to reassure her without undermining her emotions. Who would’ve thought the man whose self-proclaimed brand is “pensive gentleman” would be the most caring boyfriend?
Has anyone realized that one of the most caring and loyal people on #BachelorInParadise is the conceited model
— Tobi (@toric1031) September 5, 2018
Eric and Cassandra come back from their date, and Eric doesn’t acknowledge Angela whatsoever. Instead, he debates whether he should eat shrimp fajitas or tacos with Cassandra at the kitchen. As Angela continues to (rightfully) bemoan about Eric’s quick turnaround, all-in becomes the most said phrase of this season.
Angela sits down with Cassandra to tell her about Eric being only partially-in, and in a surprise twist of feminism that is almost unheard of in this franchise, Cassandra doesn’t take Eric’s side and actually confronts Eric for being a dick to Angela. Eric becomes the umpteenth guy on Paradise to downplay his former relationship and evade any real statements.
The next morning, Shushanna comes in, and a few minutes later, Christen “Scallop Fingers” Whitney walks out of the ocean just in time to read her date card explaining that the two new ladies are going to go on a double date. Shushanna sets her sights on Kamil, which worries Annaliese. This is the girl who has been with three other guys since Paradise started, yet suddenly Annaliese “can’t imagine herself with any other guy.” Christen takes John, the only single guy on Paradise –– who has probably been on more dates than the Bachelor.
Annaleise is trying to politely say:
— Diggy Moreland (@diggymoreland) September 5, 2018
While the four go on a double date, Jared Haibon and Ashley Iaconetti from previous “Bachelor in Paradise” seasons come on the show under the guise of giving out a date card. But instead, Jared proposes to Ashley, bringing the total number of happy couples from this show to three.
There still is a date card up for grabs, and it is given to Kevin, who cannot get out of Paradise fast enough after watching his ex who cheated on him get engaged to the guy she cheated on him with. It’s all good for Kevin too, though, as he and Astrid confess they are in love with each other.
At the cocktail party, there are four women doomed to go home. All the single women suddenly have an affinity for software engineers and pursue John like crazy. Shushanna is the only exception –– still only having eyes for Kamil until he straight up tells her that he felt no connection on their date.
As a “wild card” for the evening, newly bald Jordan Mauger from “Winter Games” joins the gang, and now there’s another rose up for grabs. As each woman makes her case with Jordan, Chelsea tries to sneakily convince Kamil to give her his rose, which sends Annaliese into her 83rd crying fit of this three-hour-long episode. The highlight of the entire night is Jordan telling Christen that her attempt at a New Zealand accent sounds like a “drunk Mary Poppins.”
At the rose ceremony, the couples give their roses to their significant others. Eric gives his rose to Cassandra, Jordan gives his rose to Shushanna, John gives his rose to Olivia, and Kamil gives his rose to Annaliese. Chelsea, Angela and Christen go home but not before medics are sent in because Christen gets lightheaded and Chelsea gets a panic attack during her interview. This is only further proof that “Bachelor in Paradise” is physically damaging to your health.
On to the next episode!
The next morning, Jade and Tanner and Evan and Carly, the only other successful couples to come out of Paradise, arrive to give out a date card. With their appearance and Ashley and Jared’s engagement, it’s almost as if the producers want to remind us that the show has some success. After interviewing the Paradise couples, the married folks choose Kendall and Joe to watch their kids for their “date” and proceed to hand over their literal babies to these complete strangers before running away.
— Bachelor in Paradise (@BachParadise) September 5, 2018
Kendall and Joe do not know how to take care of kids. Baby Emmy cannot stop crying, probably because she has no idea who these people who are holding her are. The other kids are dumped into the crib that Kendall and Joe failed to assemble earlier. Everything just screams “we are traumatizing these kids for the sake of entertaining television!” For their troubles, Joe and Kendall get an actual date card, and baby Emmy gets the next 18 years of therapy paid for by Chris Harrison.
Seeing the only two happily married couples from Paradise forces everyone to evaluate their relationships. While Jenna and Jordan have baby fever, Cassandra confronts Eric about their lack of a romantic relationship, to which Eric cannot reciprocate. He mopes around the beach until he decides to leave Paradise. Cassandra spends the right amount of time mourning their two-day relationship.
Chris and Krystal, the most unexpected but oddly compatible couple of the season, get a date card. On their date, they confess their love for each other and do the “Bachelor” classic of swaying to an unknown male artist while pretending to be very excited over said artist.
I’m so uncomfortable with these people’s brash romantic certainty after 2 weeks. I’ve been married 14 years and am still like, “we’ll see, it seems cool.” #BachelorinParadise
— Here for the popcorn (@PopcornandWhine) September 5, 2018
Meanwhile, Jordan M. and Shushanna hit the classic relationship obstacle of one not being over their ex. Shushanna is still hung up on Kamil even though he has the personality of an extra on Jersey Shore –– and they were never really a thing. Jordan M. gets a date card, but Shushanna turns it down, and Jordan takes Cassandra instead.
Shu said it’s way too soon to try anything with Jordan because of what her and Kamil had.
— Diggy Moreland (@diggymoreland) September 5, 2018
Shushanna talks with Kamil to tell him that she still believes in them, to which Kamil slowly backs away. Annaliese decides to intervene for her man and tells Shushanna that Kamil is not interested. Shushanna still cannot accept that fact, so Annaliese changes tactics, asking Shushanna if she is practicing witchcraft to get Kamil.
This is an actual accusation from a 32-year-old woman.
Of course, this is partly Kamil’s fault for nonchalantly telling Annaliese earlier that it felt like Shushanna was trying to put a spell on him. But it’s also society’s fault for often times supporting the misconception that a woman is “crazy” and “obsessive” when she is hung up on a guy.
Diggy Moreland walks in with a date card. He initially talks with Shushanna, but after realizing that she is still into Kamil, he asks out Olivia instead, who accepts. Before Olivia leaves, she convinces Shushanna that she secretly regrets rejecting Jordan M.’s date card. Shushana makes a quick turn-around. She says, “F*** Kamil,” and burns a photo of him in the fire.
But alas, Jordan M. has moved onto Cassandra, and Shushanna is left sobbing over the bed, upset over missing her chance at love. Because love, not getting drunk on a beach for free, is the point of this show.
It is astounding that there have been more than 130 contestants on this show and only six who have found love, yet everyone still thinks the odds are in their favor.
Contact Julie Lim at [email protected].