Clog report: Squirrel found to be running chancellor’s office

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Alice Langford/File

Based off of some completely legitimate public opinion polls we at the Clog ran recently, UC Berkeley students believe that some of the decisions made by the school’s administration are positively nutty. We wanted to understand a little more about the decisions being made behind the scenes, so we sent a Clog reporter to go undercover as an assistant in the school’s administrative offices.

After weeks of hardcore investigative journalism, our reporter uncovered something disturbing. Chancellor Carol Christ, the face of our beloved institution and fearless sender of school-wide emails, is actually a squirrel.

While this news seems unbelievable, our undercover reporter found evidence that made this allegation impossible to deny. Our reporter first discovered bowls of nuts around the offices, which was their first clue. They then began to realize that Carol Christ never seemed to be around. They only ever saw her at public gatherings, giving speeches and taking pictures with eager Rally Comm members. After a few more weeks of carefully following the movements of the woman who calls herself Carol Christ and hearing strange nibbling noises coming from her office, our reporter discovered the entire truth.

Our reporter managed to secretly watch dozens of meetings between the woman who masquerades as Chancellor Christ and a small squirrel. The latter was apparently calling all the shots. This squirrel seems to live in Christ’s office, running up and down bookshelves and talking on the phone with other leaders about an initiative to grow more trees on UC Berkeley’s campus.

Our fearless reporter then discovered more pieces to this puzzle. Toward the end of their investigation, they stumbled upon a meeting between our chancellor squirrel and a dozen other small creatures, including rats and various birds. The reporter then followed some of them back to Berkeley City Hall, where they all went back to their respective offices in the building. While we are not sure yet of how many Berkeley community leaders are actually small animals, we do know that the number is substantial.

More of the squirrel’s secret initiatives include banning dogs from campus to protect the security interests of the squirrel population and introducing an acorn diet option to Café 3.

While the student body was busy worrying over Furry Boi’s campaign for ASUC Senate last spring, we were ignoring the real pretenders on campus. While there’s no telling what our squirrel leader will do next, we can expect to see more trees coming to campus soon.

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Sunny Sichi at [email protected].