Clog Report: Football team to hold open quarterback tryouts

workers_derekREMSBURGfile_online
Derek Remsburg/File

Ever dreamed of taking snaps for the 10th-best team in the Pac-12, while your parents and 32 other fans cheered you on in the bleachers? Well, now may be your chance to make this dream a reality.

After another subpar passing performance in last week’s loss, the Cal football team has announced that it will be hosting open tryouts for anyone who thinks they can clean up the mess at quarterback this season.

At the beginning of the year, Cal’s weak schedule allowed them to run a committee at quarterback. As the team has moved into conference play, however, it’s been made evident that Cal’s quarterback committee is the least successful committee since the Clinton campaign in 2016.

After surrendering the ball on nearly every drive, fans have expressed their dissatisfaction with the performance of Cal’s quarterbacks this season.

“What a lot of people don’t understand is that our quarterback is actually a running back,” one coach said. “We’ve never once instructed him to throw the ball. He just goes rogue and lets it fly once in a while, and it’s really been hurting our offense.”

Perhaps last week’s starter wouldn’t feel the need to defy his coaches and throw the football if he felt that the next man up could get the job done. In Cal’s Pac-12 opener, the latter completed less than five of his passes, one of which was overthrown by about 78 yards.

“I really didn’t care about completing the pass,” the quarterback admitted. “I just wanted to show the people in the stands how good of an arm I have. I don’t think anyone’s questioning my arm strength now.”

When asked about the status of last year’s starter, one coach scratched his head and responded, “Wait, who is that?”

Among the primary candidates to step in and fill the quarterback slot are Oski the Bear and UC Berkeley Chancellor Carol Christ. The first female chancellor of UC Berkeley, Christ would also be the first woman to step in and play quarterback in program history.

Until the Bears find their new gunslinger, they are doing everything they can to improve the play of the quarterbacks currently on the roster.

“We noticed that our guys really like throwing to the other teams’ defensive players,” the head coach told The Daily Californian. “So we’ve been telling our quarterbacks to pretend that their receivers are actually the other teams’ safeties. Since we made this move, our completion percentages have skyrocketed!”

Despite these improvements, the team is still reluctant to pass the ball until they find its replacement quarterback. In the meantime, the team is planning to run its running back between the tackles on every offensive play.

The Bears’ quarterback crisis requires immediate remediation, and you can be the hero to put an end to the crisis! Flyers with all pertinent tryout information can be picked up on Sproul Plaza.

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Joey Patton at [email protected].