What the notifications on your phone say about you

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As students at one of the top public universities in the world, we’re constantly on the hustle and in the know. But how, exactly, do we busy students know that the trade-war tensions are at an all-time high or that we matched with Brad from Theta Apple Pie on Bumble, you may ask? Because we have all the notifications in the world enabled on our phones — duh.

Read on to unearth what exactly the Clog thinks about you, given the notifications you get on your phone.

BCourses

Ah, the suck-up. You’re the one who sprints to the front of the classroom before Berkeley time so you can get your favorite seat (front row, third seat from the left) and pull out your color-coordinated notes before the professor greets the class. You panic when you can’t go to class for some reason, and if someone dares send you the attendance link, you will scream because that is just not the right thing to do. You rely wholeheartedly on your bCourses notifications, and if the app crashes — how should we say this gently? — you’re screwed.  

Wall Street Journal

You’ve got back-to-back breaking news notifications on your phone about the Dow dropping yet again and Elon Musk tweeting something he shouldn’t have tweeted. You’re the person who walks out of Cafe Think in a Fratagonia vest with an Apple Watch on your wrist. You’re as confident as it gets, and the only time you’re confused is when you can’t decide if you should go handle the business side of the startup you’re working on or hit up that Goldman Sachs networking event. We say go to the Goldman Sachs event — we heard they’re giving away free Hydro Flasks that you can post about on LinkedIn tonight.

All the dating apps

Tinder? Bumble? Coffee Meets Bagel? Hinge? Jamba Meets Juice? Now we’re just making up dating app names. You know everyone on campus, and not because you’ve met them all, but rather, you’ve matched with practically all of them online — or your friends have. You get a lot of matches because you’re as lit as it gets, but you only respond to the ones who responded to your pickup lines. Forget Brody from the lacrosse team. You hit the next person with the following line: “Can I get your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?” They sent you a thumbs-up emoji, so it’s clearly love at first sight. You’re getting married next Tuesday. You may or may not blow things out of proportion, but it’s all cool — we still heart you.

Golden State Warriors app

You’re one of those bandwagon fans who doesn’t take the time to actually watch Warriors games but acts like they know everything the next day. Did you see Klay’s 52-point game? It’s OK, we know you didn’t actually see that happen, but we have full faith that you ball hard on the RSF basketball courts and ball harder in the classroom. You are also up to date with all the latest trends — we see you with those black Curry 5s. As long as you’re #godubsorgohome, we at the Clog will always love you.

E! News

Everyone is always curious how you know all of the hot goss on Hollywood. You literally knew that Ariana Grande was dropping a new song this past Saturday before anyone else did. You somehow have all the details on Priyanka Chopra and Nick Jonas’ wedding when the rest of the world is still debating whether or not their engagement was for publicity (we think not, but that’s beside the point). You’re the life of every party and know how to throw it down — always — but you also remember every single detail about every single person you’ve ever met, and it may or may not be creepy. Like, you remember what your brother’s ex-girlfriend’s best friend’s dog’s favorite toy was, but who’s keeping track?

At the end of the day, we’re all just living our best lives, and no one should tell you otherwise. It’s good to be on top of all the shiz that’s going on every day. Go Bears.

Contact Avanti Mehrotra at [email protected].