Clog Report: Berkeley turkeys take over campus, even after Thanksgiving

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Michael Drummond/File

With Thanksgiving almost a week past them, UC Berkeley students returned to see an excessive number of wild turkeys roaming the campus.

The Clog’s environmentalists suspect that because the campus was more quiet than usual during Thanksgiving and the days around it, the turkeys took it as a sign that the campus now belonged to them.

According to UC Berkeley turkey specialist Brad Fowl, who has a doctorate in poultry, the turkeys had seemingly “had it” with UC Berkeley students calling squirrels and their tomfoolery “cute” leaving out the turkeys. “The turkeys expanded from their home base around McCone and held a protest in front of Sproul Hall about their unfair treatment,” Fowl said. “We speculate that afterward, they launched an attack on the trees around Dwinelle before spreading to all reaches of the campus and fornicating in celebration, thus leading to an increase of turkeys during the break.”

“Those goddamn turkeys,” said UC Berkeley senior Mike Meleagris. “I expected them to be completely hunted down by the East Bay residents this Thanksgiving to promote sustainability, but instead, I came back to the birds trying to take over us. Looks like the residents waited in line for packaged ham instead.”

Even UC Berkeley students who had locked themselves in their rooms for 10 days came out of their makeshift caves to comment on the chaos. A freshman who claimed to not have seen sunlight for five straight days during break warily told the Clog, “First it was the smoke, then it was the turkeys. What’s next, actual freaking bears? I didn’t sign up for this when I SIR’d to UC Bezerkeley. I’m planning on dropping out. Please don’t tell my mom.”

Campus plans to cancel classes for the rest of the semester while the UC Berkeley staff deal with the turkey uprising. Classes for the fall 2018 semester will resume the week before the spring 2019 semester begins.

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Pooja Bale at [email protected].