The clock strikes 2 a.m. You’re woken up from your EE-induced trance by a burst of light that assaults your eyes. Surely it can’t be morning yet, though your mind is probably (definitely) f’d from daylight saving time. A victim of this crime, a speculative Redditor queries: Why do the lights get brighter in Moffitt around 2 a.m.? They pose this question with no other context. Well, it looks like they want an answer, and we at the Clog are going to give it to them.
First, we’ll explore the only rational explanation for the lights: 2 a.m. is when Moffitt begins to feed off of the students still lurking inside. It’s a way for the campus to keep its facilities in tiptop shape, including Moffitt, which is the only portal to the underworld conveniently located on a college campus. Through Moffitt, the devil is paid with student souls that the anthropomorphic building mysteriously engulfs in its many bathrooms (though we’re skeptical the devil gets many souls before UC Berkeley sucks them out of the students themselves). Were you wondering why UC Berkeley suddenly decided to actually start building a new library on campus? This is why.
Another less credible reason would be that you’re slowly dying, and the lights getting brighter represent the sky and the earth readying themselves to open up and engulf you when you finally give out. Moffitt is like the shiny pearl that lures you to it, so it can suck up your life force and so you never ever stop studying. Ever. “The light at the end of the tunnel leads to [a] 2.0 GPA btw,” quips one Reddit user. Hell yeah it does. Another Redditor cautions, “Don’t succumb to the light,” but it’s obvious this is just propaganda to deny our overlord Satan the fuel he needs to process the large influx of sinners he receives via first-class mail every day. See? UC Berkeley is feeding us to the devil. Our reasoning is airtight.
Hold on to your panties now, it’s about to get real crazy up in here. Maybe Moffitt gets brighter at 2 a.m. because other electrical services get turned off, resulting in a surge to the lights within the library. We know it’s a tall claim to make, but we at the Clog are dedicated to bringing you the full perspective of the story, no matter how strange it may sound.
You may still decide to study in Moffitt after reading this article because you think that having your soul unceremoniously sucked out of you by a library has to be better than spending another day fully cognizant of all the stress placed on you by the need to achieve in a competitive environment. Okay, bro, that decision is up to you. Just know that you’ve been warned.
Contact Pooja Bale at [email protected] .