Imagine yourself (and by "yourself," I don't mean me last Wednesday night) making whoopee on a stained futon with someone you met hours ago at a janky Korean restaurant.

During your romantic love-making, you hear a little titter coming from across the room. You prop yourself up, expecting to see your partner's 35-year-old roommate, "just call me Leo," gawking with a video camera. But instead of a harmless creeper, you see the most frightening and demoralizing creature you have ever seen: a bunny.

Let me tell you, there is nothing that makes you feel raunchier than having Peter Rabbit stare into your soul while you're doing the nasty. Suddenly, you are faced with one of life's pressing moral dilemmas. When your private show becomes a public affair, when do you cut the action?

For some, having sex with the possibility of others watching is a steamy little fantasy. But most would agree that there is a stark difference between the threat of an accidental peep show and the act of forcing another to experience your affair involuntarily.

Take dorm sex, for example (freshies, this one's for you). It's hard enough putting up with your roommate's World of Warcraft addiction, let alone their bodily presence when you just want a little lovin' from that girl on the third floor. We all want to be courteous, but when sex comes a-knockin', how long can you hold out for simple civility?

Obviously you're not going to bust out the moves in the middle of your roommate's favorite episode of "Battlestar Gallactica," considering he's only gotten to watch it twice in the past eight hours. The popular solution would be to wait until said roommate falls asleep to begin the festivities.

But that strategy comes with a whole slew of problems, all stemming from the outlandish notion that your roommate may not actually be asleep. Even if they are snoring, sleep talking, or severely blacked out, you will probably be too preoccupied to notice them waking up (i.e. jacking off or vomiting).

When push comes to shove, it is more likely that they would rather lie there listening to audio porn than disturb the beast with two backs. Although extremely considerate, this selflessness often leads to your roommate's emotional scarring and/or you being dubbed "Freak Show" by your entire floor.

Luckily for me, this situation has been prevented by my roommate, Jeanenne, and her "you-bone-while-I'm-sleeping-I-dump-water-on-you" policy on any and all mid-evening affairs.

Even if your roommate is a heavy sleeper and you decide to start boning six feet from his or her slumbering face, there is always the subtlety issue. Honestly, I cannot think of a less sexy circumstance than trying to get off and turn down the volume simultaneously. There are always the little tips and tricks twosomes use in attempt to shag on the sly, but frankly, I don't think anybody wants to moan into their partner's sweaty hand during an orgasm.

A word of advice to the unfortunate roommates: If you are awakened by such an occurrence, I have found any sort of kicking action to be extremely effective in getting the point across.

Even if you are graced with the privilege of solo accommodations, there's always the possibility of someone else watching-especially if you live in a sorority house, but Peeping Toms are an entirely different column.

In the case of non-human viewers, it always comes down to a sliding intelligence scale. As the animal's DNA gets simpler, the likelihood that you will pause pounding out of sheer guilt declines. If the animal in question is a kitten, for example, your guilt increases due to its ability to look innocently cute, remember events, and lick itself at any given time. Kittens belong on children's sweaters and pastel stationary, not on the sidelines of a sex-infused wrestling match.

Simpler beings, such as a goldfish or a half-naked Justin Timberlake tacked-up on your girlfriend's ceiling, can watch all they damn well please.

Tags: SEX ON TUESDAY