Seeing is Believing

There was a time when I didn't know what urethral sounding was. I'll be honest: I miss those days.

Sounding (or "cock-stuffing," in layman's terms) is the practice of inserting foreign objects into your urethra. From what I gather, the goal is either prostate stimulation, BDSM-inspired bladder control or some wacky combination of the two. Potentially freaking the hell out of your sexual partner, however, is merely an added bonus.

Rest assured, this column isn't about sounding. I'm not all that familiar with the logistics, and frankly, not motivated enough to do the legwork. No, I'm more interested in the way I learned about sounding. I'll give you a hint: Starts with an "X," ends with a "Tube."

For those unfamiliar with the site-and to that, I say, "pfft"-XTube offers the kind of content you'd expect from something with "X" in the title. It's YouTube's horny older brother, giving users the ability to upload their smuttiest home movies as masturbation fodder for public consumption. If amateur isn't your style, there's a heaping helping of higher-quality, professional clips. Some even feature the cheesy, omnipresent scoring you've come to know and love.

Here's the clincher: It's all free.

If XTube sounds too good to be true, that's because it really, really is. I feel like a cell phone ad when I say this, but there are no hidden fees. Get an account, and it's all yours for the taking. Can you hear me now?

Never before has porn been so accessible, so diverse, so well organized with keywords. Those of us who came of age in a pre-XTube era understand how epic an injustice this is-not to mention the fact that teenagers today surely take it all for granted. Why, in my day, we had to walk eight miles for decent porn-uphill, both ways!

The bottom line is, kids today have it easy. Think of all those hours squandered looking for something worthwhile on Limewire, or perusing password sites to sneak your way into the good stuff. Of course, I would never condone such illicit activities, but I will say that I feel your pain.

Here's where sounding comes in. (Oh, quit your groaning-I'm only using it to make a point.) With great porn power comes great porn responsibility. Mix the diversity of content XTube offers with its ease of use, and you've got a whole slew of users seeing things they wish they hadn't. Incidentally, I could have looked up CBT without the visual aids, thanks.

As it turns out, sounding is only one of the many sexual quirks you find yourself exposed to when you've got an infinite amount of porn at your fingertips. Snowballing, golden showers, footing-it's all here. In case you're curious, that last one is just like fisting, but with feet. I'm not sure how they do it, or why, but let's hope they clip their toenails first.

Sometimes you stumble upon these videos by accident. Way too many fetishes have deceptively innocuous names ("How was I supposed to know it meant that?"). Sometimes you watch the videos on purpose, either out of masochism, incredulity or genuine interest ("He can't stick that there, can he?"). Regardless of how it happens, the end result is that you've seen it, and you'll never look at cheap plastic cups the same way again.

The thing is, we learn a lot from porn. I don't mean where babies come from-I'm talking about everything they don't teach you in sex-ed: in other words, the good stuff. Sure, a lot of that comes from hearsay (read: your friends' older siblings), but chances are you've also picked up a technique or two from your good pal, the Internet.

XTube may not be making us into better lovers, but it's certainly making us more informed. Bukakke just isn't something you're going to learn about from your uncle's Playboy collection. And though there's plenty I wish I could un-see, it's still good to know.

So go ahead, take advantage of what the Internet has to offer and enjoy a crash course in kink. Just exercise caution. Know your limits, and when it comes to "Eel Girl," you're better off in the dark.

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