Sex on Tuesday

Here's a little-known fact to brighten your Tuesday: Remember Abraham, father of the Jewish people? According to the Bible, he was circumcised at the ripe old age of 99. Now this was a time way, way before anesthesia, but try not to feel too bad for the guy. After it was over, God sent three angels to keep him company during the recovery period. Few of us get that kind of attention.

If you're reading this and you're a male U.S. native, chances are you've been circumcised, too-though I'd bet my nonexistent foreskin you had it done at a much younger age. The current estimates for circumcision rates in this county range from 55.9 to 79 percent. Pinning down an exact number is difficult. That's because, when it comes to such a contentious issue, both sides seem to find the facts in their favor.

Case in point: If you're pro-circumcision, you might have the rate of complications as low as 0.06 percent. Anti-circumcision folks, on the other hand, might place it closer to 55 percent. I think both would agree that's more than a slight discrepancy, not to mention a suspicious one. And because penises are sort of, well, private, I'm not sure we'll ever know for certain.

Let's back up and look at what we do know. Male circumcision is the act of removing all or some of the foreskin (that sheath of skin over the head) from the penis. Some religions, namely Judaism and Islam, mandate it; some people do it for health reasons, although nowadays that's not quite as common.

The circumcision debate is complicated, one major issue being that newborns can't offer much in the way of consent. If they could speak, who knows what they'd say. "Sure, snip a piece of that off-I'm not using it anyway," is probably a stretch.

What's my opinion? I'm so glad you asked, imaginary reader! I see the positives on both sides. You call that a cop-out; I call it being an optimist.

Honestly, though, every circumcised man I've talked to has, at one time or another, longed to experience life with a foreskin. And the uncircumcised guys I know (admittedly not many) have expressed a similar but opposite desire. It's like they always say, "The grass is always greener on the other side of the penis." I'm paraphrasing.

Say you're uncircumcised: Lucky you! Your parents skirted a troublesome moral conundrum, and you've emerged unscathed. Some studies report that circumcision greatly reduces pleasure during sex, so smile-you've got extra nerve endings! You also probably don't need to worry about lube, at least not on your end. That foreskin allows for smooth sailing … or stroking, as it were.

Or maybe you're circumcised. Don't fret, there's plenty to be thankful for there, too. According to the World Health Organization, men sans foreskin are significantly less likely to contract STIs, including HIV. These claims are somewhat controversial, but still worth taking into consideration. Hygiene, in general, is easier when you're cut, as less foreskin means less maintenance. (Frankly, though, you should be doing plenty of washing either way; your partner will thank you.)

At this point, I probably sound like the bluebird of happiness, but the truth is, there are plenty of cons to go with those pros. Besides, there's very little scientific proof no matter which way you slice it. Oh, no pun intended.

As far as I'm concerned, your best bet is being happy with what you've got. Sure, you could get circumcised later in life, but that offers its own mess of complications-and only in rare cases will you be offered angelic relief. For cut guys, foreskin restoration is possible, either by grafting or stretching-verbs that, though innocuous on their own, sound a wee bit frightening in relation to the penis.

I suggest that foreskins be more like fingernails: You'd be able to grow them out, and painlessly trim them as needed. How else can we experience the best of both worlds? Let's hope medical science or evolution can eventually accommodate my wishes.

While I'm waiting, here's another plus for the "pro-foreskin" column-if you're having sex with another man, you can enjoy docking, which is like the sexual equivalent of the Chinese finger trap. Seriously, look it up.

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