Sex on Monday
Bad Sex Scenes in Movies

I have a confession to make: I've been leading a double life. That's right. You may know me as the Daily Cal sex columnist, but I'm also editor of the arts & entertainment page. Shocking, I know. The reason I'm outing myself now is that I'd like to take this week to focus on my real area of expertise: movie sex-namely, bad movie sex.

Few films have done justice to the deed. Mostly, it's all montage, clever angles and, in particularly dire cases, smooth jazz. I could go into the movies that have managed to get it right, but honestly, it's a lot more interesting to look at the ones that have gotten it really, really wrong. Sometimes it's supposed to be bad; sometimes it's supposed to be high art. Either way, here are a few of the most notable offenders.

"Brown Bunny": I am all for real sex on screen, at least when it's appropriate. "Shortbus" is perhaps the best example of a film where the sex was, well, sex, without ever feeling tacky or overdone. If, on the other hand, your movie is a vanity project culminating in a degrading blow job from your co-star, it's safe to say you're doing it wrong. In an attempt to defend "Brown Bunny," Chloe Sevigny was later quoted as saying, "It's an art film. It should be playing in museums. It's like an Andy Warhol movie." That's more than just condescending-it's downright ludicrous.

"Beyond the Valley of the Dolls": Roger Ebert called "Brown Bunny" one of the worst movies of all time. Now remind me, how does that saying about people who live in glass houses go? This is the guy who penned "Beyond the Valley of the Dolls," a movie that's undoubtedly ranks on that same list. The sex in the film speaks to the orgiastic excess of the '70s: everyone does everyone pretty indiscriminately. But while a better film might make you envy a period of such liberation, chances are all that "BVD" will do is make you feel dirty.

"Friday the 13th": Or any slasher movie from the '80s for that matter. The "sex = death" formulation espoused in "Scream" isn't much of a stretch. Read Carol Clover's "Men, Women, and Chain Saws," if you don't believe me.

"Friday the 13th" largely set the stage for the genre. That's right, there was a time when masked killers hacking up fornicating teens wasn't the norm. Catch this original for a chance to see Kevin Bacon get a post-coital arrow to the throat. Now if that's not a deterrent to pre-marital relations, I don't know what is.

"Caligula": OK, the hardcore footage isn't such a problem. Sure, it's out of context and gratuitous and-worst of all-poorly shot. But in the scheme of things, I can almost overlook it.

That having been said, I draw the line at incestuous necrophilia. It's not a phrase I should ever have to utter, and certainly not one I want to see acted out. I don't care if Caligula really did have sex with his sister Drusilla. Seeing him paw at her pasty corpse is an image no amount of brain bleach can erase.

"Last Tango in Paris": Bernardo Bertolucci's 1972 erotic drama has been called a misunderstood masterpiece, a stunning portrayal of human relationships and a daring look at our troubled sexual mores. Actually, it's a piece of self-indulgent crap. As far as I'm concerned, the people who defend "Last Tango in Paris" do so because they don't get it, and admitting that would be too big a blow to their egos.

No matter how deep the film purports to be, in the end it's just hard to stomach. There's really nothing unsexier than a schlumpy Marlon Brando using butter as lube before plowing into a tearful Marie Schneider. Not to mention the fact that butter is oil-based. I mean, talk about unsafe.

There are plenty of other examples where those came from-too many, really. When it comes to sex, I'm going to go out on a limb and recommend the real thing. If you're feeling particularly adventurous, go ahead and Netflix one of the films listed above. Just remember, you've been warned though: some of these might turn you off for good.

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