Yes, We Do Readers

To those Berkeley newcomers reading this, I'd like to extend a warm welcome-and a warning. While you're busy stressing about whether or not you need to attend tomorrow's 8 a.m. discussion, you should be mentally preparing for the sharp sting of unrequited love. Your first Berkeley crush won't be on your floormate, your lab partner or your favorite tree-sitter. That's right, you're going to fall hard for your GSI.

How can I be so sure? It's a proven fact. Not getting the hots for at least one GSI is statistically impossible. (Actual statistics unavailable.) There are, of course, variables to consider; all graduate students were not created equal. But if you're not at least a little bit smitten after the first couple of weeks, you're probably not going to section.

What is it about GSIs-graduate student instructors, if you're nasty-that makes them so damn irresistible? Is it their seemingly endless knowledge about a particular subject? Their hip but sensible wardrobe? The fact that they're responsible for our grades and letters of recommendation? I think that last option may be a tad too cynical; either way, I can't explain the attraction.

Oh, sure, there's the obvious answer: In general, we're attracted to authority figures and people in positions of power. And when you're in college, what power is greater than the ability to dole out that dreaded B/B+? (Side note: I'm not sure who decided that giving two grades was acceptable, but I'd like them to know that the slash does nothing to assuage my frustration.) At the same time, I think there's something especially alluring about the Berkeley GSI. After all, if they were but average discussion leaders, we'd call them TAs like everyone else does.

But OK, let's accept the desire to bone one's GSI (or reader, the one who grades your papers without leading discussion) as a given. The question isn't why so much as how to proceed. That is, without making an ass out of yourself or your GPA.

First things first: Most GSI-student relationships will go unconsummated. I say this not because I enjoy crushing your dreams, but because I wouldn't want anyone to be too disappointed. Remember, part of the GSI appeal is that they're unattainable, so try not to put too much stock into ever actually bedding one. Besides, GSIs sort of have their hands tied, and not in the fun way. Dating a student is, if not expressly forbidden, at least a really big no-no. You might see it as a star-crossed lovers romance, but to them, it could be an exciting job loss opportunity.

That having been said, it does happen. Make sure you're in this for the right reasons, by which I mean good old-fashioned lust and not a passing grade. Having sex for an A isn't just immoral-it's also kind of tacky. Really, the only way around this is to embark on your forbidden affair when it's, well, no longer forbidden. In other words, after the class is over.

I know, I know. It's just not as exciting: Sex with a GSI goes from completely inappropriate to mostly shrug-worthy once the class is over. But hey, it's a decent compromise, especially when it follows a semester's worth of waiting. Think of your time spent in the GSI's section as an extended courtship, and hope that your GSI is exercising his or her fair share of restraint as well. One of my GSI contacts espoused a similar philosophy: "Instead of hooking up, I always just flirt shamelessly in class and wait for the magic to happen afterward." I don't know about you all, but that sounds pretty damn magical to me.

Except maybe you don't really want to date or sleep with a GSI because he or she is charming, witty or otherwise appealing. Maybe the attraction does rest solely on the fact that said GSI gets to call your name in roll once a week. If that's the case, now's the time to preemptively abandon your pursuit. You can always continue to admire from afar, but if you're going to actively seduce your GSI, be sure you're comfortable with the knowledge that they probably won't be your GSI by the time they respond.

Although, if it helps, that GSI or reader is still totally grading someone else's papers and maybe even making that person's life miserable. So, you know, you could always focus on that.

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