Sex on Tuesday

Sex and a college campus is a legendary match that rivals peanut butter and jelly, Harold and Kumar and the Bush administration and stupidity. Our fresh spring admits out there may be wondering exactly how sex occurs on the Berkeley campus: Where could a Cal newbie possibly fit sex in with all the classes and clubs they are supposed to join? CalSO doesn't offer a workshop on "Sex: How, When, Where and with Whom?" although such a workshop would be much more beneficial than "Finding Your Classes on the First Day!" (hint: a map) or "Diversity Discovery" (a one-hour workshop designed to introduce you to all the races you never knew existed!).

In all seriousness, though, I'm sure our incoming spring admits are not completely clueless when it comes to sex. Nevertheless, no matter how extensive your sack experience has been (or lack thereof), sex in college is a slightly different ballpark from sex at home-especially your first year away. Which brings me to my first topic as your new sex columnist: dorm hook-ups.

Most of your sex freshman year will probably take place in the dorms, unless you are smart and start dating an upperclassman with an apartment. The dorms, as you will soon discover, are simmering cesspools of teens living on top of one another, complete with STDs, clogged bathrooms, unwashed sheets and the lingering smell of weed. Such an environment makes for prime seduction-no joke, I found my first two serious boyfriends in the dorms. When you are crammed in with a bunch of people your age, there will always be that smoking hot guy/girl that you eventually pursue.

I will never forget my first Cal hook-up. The night began where most Saturday nights (inevitably) begin: choking down shots of cheap vodka with hallmates. After an hour or so, we're a little giddier and a lot hornier. Enter: delicious friend of a hallmate. He's a tortured artist with a sweet guitar and a deep voice. I'm hooked.

After an evening of sake bombs, dancing, and a doughnut run, he asks the imminent question-

"Do you want to find a shower stall somewhere?"

My first thought-am I really this desperate?

My second thought-yes.

I lead him up to the seventh floor (the all-girls floor) thinking that this floor will be quiet. I'm right, and the hook-up commences from there, a steamy affair involving some soapy lotions and a loofa. We are thoroughly enjoying ourselves until the door to the bathroom opens, halting us in our sudsy tracks. The mysterious visitor stood silently outside the shower door long enough to completely freak us out, and then suddenly left the bathroom. Needless to say, the mood was killed. A week later my R.A., a tiny Asian girl with the radar senses of a bat, laughed to me about some "drunk couple" she heard having sex in the bathroom while she was doing her rounds. Oops.

Stopped in mid-action-a frustrating, although typical, end to a dorm hook-up. Privacy in the dorms is certainly an issue, which makes the rules of the dorm hook-up exist on a plane separate from normal reality. Many of you will encounter the awkward "roommate sex," when you awake in the dead of night to suspicious rustling in the bed next to you. Others of you will venture to questionable hook-up nooks such as bathrooms, lounges, or stairwells. No matter how you achieve your dorm hook-ups, I can assure you they will provide memories for years to come. How could you possibly forget when you snogged/shagged your neighbor/R.A./some random chick when you were on your roommate's bed/the floor of the handicapped stall/the balcony of the lounge-despite the fact that your roommate was there/you're a virgin/you just threw up?

All kidding aside, though, some of my best hook-ups in college occurred when I was in the dorms because the sexual tension was amped up by living on top of the guys I wanted. Dorm lust is like a slingshot: It will turn you on more and more until finally you go after who you want and drag them into the nearest shower stall. If you look out for your R.A., you should have no problem making an unforgettable memory. There's a reason why they say college years are the best years of your life….