Taking the Stage for the Final Time

Hearing the echoes of your own words would be the coolest part. Or seeing the hundreds of faces in the crowd. Or stepping up to the podium for the first time. OK, I don't know-I'm not the authority on coolness.

But among all the graduating seniors out there, some of you have undoubtedly pictured what being a commencement speaker would be like. And there are a handful of you who don't even have to do the picturing because you'll be that person in the next few days.

Admittedly, I did have a fleeting desire to audition for the gig. Ah yes, such arrogance-to think that my speech can aptly encompass the experience of every student sitting in cap and gown. And to think the captive audience will care enough to listen to my thoughts. Not unlike being a columnist, really (though you're definitely free to put this down at any time).

But as my current MCB GPA suggests, there are probably better candidates who deserve to be speaker. Also, I kind of missed the deadline to sign up.

But I do have the rest of this space to fill with text, so if you'll indulge me, I'd like to test out an abridged version of a speech. First, it would open with some sort of grossly cheesy gimmick:

"Before I begin, I'm asking everyone to take their right hand and place it on the shoulder of the person in front of them. Feel that? That's the human touch, too often neglected as we vie to be on the sweet side of the bell curve.

"But there are reminders that sometimes what happens in vitro-in the sterile setting of lecture halls and labs-matters only half as much as what happens in vivo-in real life. The recent passing of Professor Jeffrey Winer last semester, whose class I had been taking, does just that. His death is a great loss to the department, as he was arguably one of the best instructors at giving advice beyond the neurobiology course material.

"In many respects, today is about commemorating loss. As we leave Berkeley to venture into the next phase of life, the loss of familiarity is inevitable. We'll have to adjust to new sights that seem strange, like Mike Meighan not wearing shorts or the corridor of VLSB not covered in answers to Bio 1A exams.

"But nobody here will ever truly leave Cal. The memories of time spent at our soon-to-be alma mater will remain (unless, of course, there's a lesion to the hippocampus). And not only do we have the Berkeley brand stamped onto our foreheads, but we will also be haunted by those who refuse to let go. If you thought those calls that asked for a donation of $20.09 were annoying, think about what the California Alumni Association will be hitting you up for, especially in light of the economic crunch."

Then I'd babble on about other stuff, culminating in some sort of conclusion. Ideally with the mention of "in vivo" again.

At this point, I would keep my fingers crossed for applause. Even if it's just from my mom. I'd get in line with 500 other MCB graduates, shuffle across the stage and receive my fake diploma from Professor David Presti. (On a completely tangential side note, that man has pretty awesome blue-rimmed glasses.)

That's how it went down in my imagination. But whoever winds up being picked by the MCB powers that be will likely give a speech that's 100 times more clever, touching, inspirational, memorable and (insert your own accolade here) than the above. And I'll be listening at the Greek Theatre a week from today, one of the many audience members wearing a glorified tasseled-shower cap and oversized robe, to attest to that.

Now there are only a couple of things left for me to say to you, dear readers.

Nearly two years ago, my writing first appeared in this paper on the top left-hand corner of page three. At the time, my goal as a columnist was to be half as (whatever accolade you had previously chosen) as your favorite author. Because, you see, whether it's giving a speech to the graduating class of 2009 or crafting a column-anything involving pseudo-forced spectatorship-it's the audience that matters.

While that goal might not have been accomplished, at the very least it's quite appropriate for me to be ending here, back in the same spot where I started. Indeed, this is my last echo.

Tags: VICTORIA TANG