In America, much of our debate about sexuality stems from two poles: the ethical, conservative side that condemns premarital exploration, and the liberal, rational side that considers premarital sex to be a God-given right! Somehow, a simple decision ("Sex, yes/no?") has become two attractors around which cluster a variety of other religious and political factors.

As a result, the decision to abstain or pursue sex becomes less about the sex and more about an individual's identity. Few of my agnostic friends would ever contemplate the idea of abstaining-rocking a promise ring like the Christian kids just doesn't fit the way they see themselves. When it comes to saying yes or no to sex, people find themselves facing more than just the act. They are staring down the great cavernous divide between different cultural avenues and all the variables that accompany them.

I've found myself thinking about this lately because I've been grappling with a relevant conflict: I haven't wanted to have sex. Disconcerting, especially considering the fact that I'm supposed to be the campus symbol for free love and sex all around. After the abrupt ending of a serious relationship, I was thrust into the hook-up culture on campus, where casual sexual encounters are frequent and exalted. For the first time since I started having sex, I was forced to make the decision on a regular basis: yes or no? Overwhelmingly, my emotions were against it and they would annoyingly shout at me as I eyed the boy at the bar (Stop! No! Don't do it!).

But my rational thoughts begged to differ, whispering in my other ear, "As a woman, you SHOULD be allowed to have sex whenever/wherever/with whomever!" This led to a few dry, hollow encounters that made me realize something key: even if I should feel comfortable having sex, that doesn't mean I necessarily want to.

I know. Shocking. It's total blasphemy to admit this in a column that's only supposed to titillate you. But it's true, I am not so sex-crazed that casual sex appeals to me. It took me a while to realize this because I was caught in the implications that accompany the choice to abstain. I was confused by my general sense that people only abstain because they think sex is wrong or dirty, God will judge them, or they're prudish. Otherwise, the general thinking goes that sex is so fucking awesome, of COURSE you will want to have it as much as possible. It's a vicious feedback loop with little way out for the rational mind.

During this mental grappling, a reader sent me a NY Times article from a few years back that immediately caught my attention. A group at Harvard started a secular abstinence club-True Love Revolution, one that promoted waiting till marriage for nonreligious reasons. As I read the opening paragraphs of the article, I got all excited: Maybe someone could explain to me why, upon becoming single, I didn't want to have tons of decadent, casual sex with as many Cal Water Polo players I could find? Because the fact that I didn't was starting to put a serious crimp in my love life.

The True Love Revolution presents scientific reasons to abstain without including a single quote from the Bible. The facts and figures ranged from STDs/pregnancy stats, to research correlating depression and premarital sex, to information about sexual neurotransmitters that bond two individuals.

It was an impressive line-up of data and yet reading it didn't compel me to crack the chastity belt out of the closet and zip up my jeans for good.

From my ethical, logical and physical perspective, sex gets two thumbs up. I don't think its dirty or wrong; it's a healthy part of romantic relationships, and damn does it feel good. But right now, I don't want to have it and I find myself searching for explanations why. Religious abstinence reasons don't resound with me, and neither do the claims of secular celibates.

Which brings me to my big point. Why is it that we need a reason to justify our sexual choices? We have built up a whole army of ideology and belief systems to solidify and support either end of our yes/no sex decision. Instead of listening to our intuitions, we rely on outside affiliations and ethical/logical explanations to make our decisions.

Especially in the college hook-up culture, 'yes' has become the default setting for us and any other decision would require a justification. It's supported by such ingrained beliefs about freedom, progress and rights that people fall into bed together left and right without actively making the choice. Sex is expected and when you consider not having it you are fighting a whole host of other factors. Somehow, we have swung the pendulum back the other way, such that sex is a bit like the new abstinence: it feels like a betrayal to our values and ideals to say no.

It would be nice if the choice to say yes or no was just that-a choice based on your personal feelings. That logic, ethics, rationale and reasons could fall by the wayside, and the word 'no,' or 'yes' would be all the meaning that mattered.

Don't worry you die-hard sex fiends. I went to a swingers' sex club this weekend, so I promise next week's column will replace the word "abstinence" with ... well, whatever the complete opposite of abstinence is.

Tags: SEX ON MONDAY