Sex on Monday: Snowflakes and Zoo Animals

If you've spent time roaming the college hook-up scene, you've probably figured out that just like a snowflake, no two fuck-buddies are the same. The sexual diversity on a college campus rivals anything you'll find at the zoo, so with the help of some expert friends I've compiled an official biological typology. See if you can spot your genus!

J.T.T. Guy

Distinguishing characteristics: You'll always have to take Plan B the morning after. Catchphrase: "Just the tip. I promise." Favorite position: Coming inside you. Mates with: The unsuspecting.

The Clinger

Distinguishing characteristics: She holds on a little too tightly when you ride her. Catchphrase: "I love making love with you." Favorite position: Missionary, so she can stare into your eyes. Mates with: The guy she met at Kip's.

The Quick Shooter

Distinguishing characteristics: Will constantly disappoint you. Catchphrase: "Oops." Favorite position: Doggy style, so he can pull out quickly. Mates with: Women who don't like sex.

The Talker

Distinguishing characteristics: Reminds you of your grandma's Chihuahua. Catchphrase: He/she has many, and you'll hear them all during your sack session. Least favorite position: Giving oral. Mates with: Deaf people.

The Frat Guy

Distinguishing characteristics: Will fuck you to gain the approval of his friends. Catchphrase: "Moan a little louder, please." Favorite position: Bending you over the sink in the frat bathroom, silently praying someone walks in. Mates with: Attractive women only.

The Slutty Siren

Distinguishing characteristics: She likes sex. A lot. Catchphrase: "I give great blow jobs." Favorite position: On top, where she can make you come in 2 minutes. Mates with: Men with stamina.

The Bisexual

Distinguishing characteristics: Skinny jeans and American Apparel shirt. Catchphrase: " 'Straight' and 'gay' are just cultural constructs created by an oppressive society." Favorite position: Smoking a cigarette outside Cafe Med. Mates with: Other people wearing American Apparel shirts.

The Blue Baller

Distinguishing characteristics: You'll have to masturbate yourself to sleep. Catchphrase: "You can come home with me, but I'm not having sex with you." Favorite position: Little spoon. Mates with: Only her future boyfriend.

The Date Raper

Distinguishing characteristics: He/she knows that the line between rape and consent gets blurrier after 10 whiskey shots. Catchphrase: "Let me buy you another drink." Favorite position: Lurking near you the whole night, waiting for the right moment to strike. Mates with: The person puking in the bathroom.

The Rag Doll

Distinguishing characteristics: Appears to be sleeping or dead during intercourse. Catchphrase: silence Favorite position: On the bottom, motionless. Mates with: Necrophiliacs.

The Casanova

Distinguishing characteristics: Will give a girl multiple orgasms. Catchphrase: "I'm not happy till you're happy." Favorite position: Head between her legs. Mates with: Many, many women.

The Sparring Partner

Distinguishing characteristics: Will 'accidentally' leave gouges on your back and giant hickies on your neck. Catchphrase: "Hit me again!" Favorite position: Harder. Mates with: Victims.

The Anne Frank

Distinguishing characteristics: She's your covert fuck buddy-if anyone finds out you've had sex with her, you'll never live it down. Catchphrase: "Why haven't I met your friends yet?" Favorite position: Locked away in your apartment's "secret closet." Mates with: Men who are hotter than her.

The Shy Guy

Distinguishing characteristics: He's pretty quiet during the whole date, but as soon as the bedroom door closes he fucks you harder and better than anyone has in ages. Catchphrase: "I'm less awkward when my clothes are off." Favorite position: In control. Mates with: Girls who have figured out shy guys compensate in bed.

The Hornball

Distinguishing characteristics: Masturbates 3-4 times a day. Catchphrase: "Can we do it again?" Favorite position: All. Mates with: Anything that has the appropriate shape.

The Motor Boat

Distinguishing characteristics: Her giant rack is the best toy you've had since preschool. Catchphrase: "They're real." Favorite position: On top, where her assets can jiggle to their full gloriousness. Mates with: Boob Guys.

The Caveman

Distinguishing characteristics: Enjoys grabbing your hair and pushing you against walls. Catchphrase: "Shut up and take it." Favorite position: Doggy style. Obviously. Mates with: Feminists.

The Dirty Girl

Distinguishing characteristics: If you ask nicely, she'll let you put it anywhere. Catchphrase: "When you come, give me a pearl necklace." Favorite position: Bent over your lap while you spank her. Mates with: Porn-addicts.

Big thanks to my sex-lovin' friends who (over multiple Jooses and much laughter) helped compile this list. You're all whores, in the best way possible.

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