Sex on Tuesday: Love, Friends and Ann

It was back in high school when someone told me that we all subconsciously would like to hook up with all of our friends who suit our sexual orientation. I weighed what my classmate said, and after running through all two of my girlfriends at the time, I agreed with her statement.

That was in high school. In college, we go through a stage of growth where we simultaneously become hornier, and begin to figure out how to reign in our sexual desires.

In light of this transformation, I would like to introduce the three categories of people who we currently enjoy hanging out with on a regular basis, and could theoretically be sexually attracted to. (You have no idea how long it took me to craft that sentence in a gender neutral way.)

Obviously the first type is the one you're sexually attracted to and enjoy being around. Whatever look you're into, she has it. Whatever personality you're into, she has it.

The two of you can hold a casual conversation for hours and when it is time for her to go, you wish she'd stay.

One day you might end up fooling around while drunk. Things might then progress to where you're able to sign her to a long-term, incentive-laden contract.

Which brings us to the "Ann Coulter Division," in which getting wifeyed-up is not an option.

Due to my liberal upbringing, developed sense of logic and love of humanity, I'm pretty turned off by Coulter's typical hateful spiel; come to think of it, I bet most conservatives wouldn't want to get a beer with the self-proclaimed pot-stirrer. You think Terrell Owens' teammates want to kick-it with him over a game of Madden?

But let's be real here for a minute: If Coulter was all over my junk, I would bite the bullet and take her out to dinner every now and then-she has a bangin' body and a pretty face. The comedy of her screaming "BLOODY PAGAN" while we're in missionary, by itself, would make the time spent worth it.

Many of you have a Coulter in your own lives, whether you realize it or not. Replace "Coulter" with the name of someone whom you find annoying enough that you wouldn't normally want to share a plateful of edibles with him or her.

Nevertheless, when you're horny, you find this person attractive and easy enough to hook up with, so you're willing to hang out to reach the end goal.

This explanation may sound like a conundrum so let me write out the Ann Coulter theorem: your horniness + (attractiveness of individual x chance of getting with individual) > how much of a pain being around the individual is.

I should note that I fully expect people to think that the "Ann Coulter Division" is a male-only thing, which is completely false. I recall being on the receiving-end of a few late night booty calls. After obliging the caller's wishes I ended up asking myself, "was I just used?" (I know right, shocking? Straight guys can feel used time to time.)

The final grouping consists of people you're not trying get to jiggy with, but nonetheless enjoy the company of. Maybe they're too skinny. Maybe they're too chubby. Maybe they're banging your best friend. For whatever reason, you're not interested.

I've developed a few platonic girlfriends over the past couple months; ever since I began writing Sex on Tuesday, they started pouring out their hearts to me concerning issues they are having with their boyfriends.

Every now and then one of them will come over to my place to catch up. Oddly enough, both her and I feel some awkward tension brewing.

The source of that tension is all the peering eyes in my house who assume that because my door is closed, I'm trying to get some action.

I remember one conversation that took place in my house's bathroom.

Tolman: Moose, you hitting it to her in there.

Me: Naw man, she's just a friend.

Tolman, as he pelvic thrusts the wall: You need me to loosen her up for you?

It's sad that few believe you can have close friends of the opposite sex who you aren't interested in banging, unless you're gay.

It's even sadder that I still feel uncomfortable in my own room because of the over-sexualized expectations of college-aged males bearing down on me. Just because I have a penis that I kind of know how to use, it doesn't mean I want to hump everything in sight.

I like dipping my toes into all three categories so I can enjoy a full range of sexual and casual relationships. It shouldn't be a guilty pleasure for me, but an encouraged practice.

Ann alone doesn't do it for me. I need friends with no (sexual) benefits.

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