Sex on Tuesday: Into the Woods

Instructing the masses in the art of carpet-licking seemed a deeply futile endeavor. Dan Savage of Savage Love addressed it brilliantly by publishing excerpts from women who'd written in with perfectly contradictory advice, such as "use lots of saliva for lube!" "Don't slobber too much!" "A tongue in the vagina feels like a small, limp dick!" "My favorite thing is a tongue in my vagina!" etc., etc. I was just going to write an ode to futility, but the folks who wrote to me this week, despite all being men, provided some surprisingly good advice. Enough to fill two columns, actually. So here it is.

We've all heard the one about the fish taco. Sex smells come next week, but these (inaccurate) jokes are damned near everywhere, which gives most women some degree of insecurity about their smell and taste. Knowing that not all women are totally comfortable with having someone's face buried in their genitals, it's generally good to work up to the act in a nice, reassuring, gradual way. The major complaint I heard from women interviewed for this column is that guys jump for their clit too fast and hard; clitoral stimulation can feel yicky or downright painful if you're not ready. So kiss trails up and down her body, breath warm air on her vulva and inner thighs, run your fingertips all over, squeeze her breasts, bite, do everything that gets her hot before heading down the rabbit hole.

Once there, move slowly-insert tongue in vagina with light, slow strokes, run it along the labia teasingly and thoroughly, circumnavigate the cunt before heading for the clit. Make sure your tongue is moist. Tease.

Ok, so you've done the prep work and your ready for the clit. Unfortunately, there seems to be no one universally appreciated clit stroke. A woman will almost certainly prefer different things over the course of one session. Variety in the beginning is good, gauge her response to each kind of stimulation, and when she seems to be hankering for orgasm (or you're starting to run on empty), stick with one or two of the best received techniques to bring her over the top.

Different strokes to consider: a hard, pointed tongue quickly or a soft, flat tongue slowly. Run your tongue along each side of the clit, in circles around it, across it vertically, horizontally-and diagonally if you're that coordinated. Pull back the clit's foreskin or put a finger on either side to make it stand out, then flick the tongue quickly across the tip. Shaking your head side to side is purported to help with this, but gives me unpleasant visions of a dog with a chew toy. Turn your head/body sideways, seal your lips around the clitoral area, and "strum" the clit with your tongue. Etc., etc.

Don't forget to use your hands. Most folk have figured out that it can be advantageous to stimulate a woman's g-spot while sucking clit, also consider touching her breasts, rubbing her lower belly, grabbing her ass, or running your thumbs over her labia (remember those clitoral legs?) as a good way to wake the neighbors.

I've heard humming while between a woman's legs works wonders, but what does one hum? Buzzing monotone or a jaunty tune? Has anyone successfully done this without giggling?

The novice box-muncher may find that his or her tongue cramps up after a short time. Reps with tiny barbells could help, but varying your position and licking pattern my be more useful in staving off or dealing with exhaustion. Although I advocate never forcing yourself to suffer for a partner's orgasm, one advisor recommends that once you're in the home stretch, stick it out, "even if your tongue bleeds or cramps." He finds that focusing on the motion he's making with his tongue and trying to visualize it keeps him going when his muscles start to give out.

And that's all the space I've got for this week. Next week: the absolutely most important part of giving head, manners, and why it should smell absolutely nothing like fish.

Tags: