Sex on Tuesday: Worth Embarrassing Your Folks

A few months back, a couple of reactionary "Christian" zealots got their panties in a bunch when I encouraged men to play with their butt-holes. Last week, the powers that be posted a link to my column on fark.com, which resulted in 39,000 hits to the Daily Cal Web site, leaving me flattered but amazed that my thoughts on female ejaculation could draw that much attention.

I believe that this little flurry of pseudo-fame points to a pretty fundamental dearth of accessible, accurate information about sex, in spite of wide-spread bursting curiosity. It's rather obvious that Americans, from MTV producers to fundamentalist Christians, are obsessed with sex, and it's frikken‚ everywhere-used to sell clothes, make-up, beer, even shampoo. But it's also obvious that just because movie producers feel increasingly safe showing teenagers fucking after brief courtships doesn't mean that our country's adults have any idea how to communicate about desires, boundaries and safer sex techniques-or even how to have fun.

"The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex" points out, "no one teaches us about sex when we're kids because we're not supposed to have it, yet when we reach adulthood, we're expected to magically know how to expertly please ourselves and our partners."

Somehow, a huge chunk of the country thinks that you can teach youngsters to be healthy sexual beings without actually talking about sex. Did anyone ever sit you down and tell you that dirty talk would be a great way to deal with your raging libido without fluid exchange? Did anyone teach you that negotiated consent is a much better way to go than porn-style seduction?

So what is to be done? Through books and essays, erotica, explicit educational videos, speaking gigs, conferences, and performances, many sex activists devote their lives to confronting sexual taboo and ignorance. As expert utilizer of all these media, co-founder of the Center for Sex and Culture, and staff sexologist for Good Vibrations, the lovely Dr. Carol Queen frequently provides sound bites and academic quotes on sexual matters to the mainstream press. (Look for an interview with her in next week's paper.)

Though she frequently finds her input reduced to "one dorky quote pulled totally out of context," (hi Carol!), she takes the privilege of exposure seriously. "(I try to) fill up what I talk about with as much information, alternative perspective, and sex-positive liberationist thinking possible," so at least the readers of "Allure" might get an idea that there's more to sexuality than penetrative partner sex.

Student groups are increasingly taking charge of this education, too. We've got our beloved Female and Male Sexuality DE-Cals, and Queen reports that "sex-positive pansexual (student) groups" all over the place are putting on events to teach communication and healthy sexuality. One cool example is the "Tent of Consent," where partners can enter after a third party checks that they have negotiated limits. Says Queen, "I don't think they let you stay in there long enough to get full-on into a lot of trouble," but the idea of condoned semi-public "necking" makes certain authorities "go ballistic, which allows the savvy student organization to say, ‘let us explain what the good is of doing something that encourages sexual consent and negotiation.'" Pretty cool, eh?

So here's my point. Sex is more than entertainment; it's political, psychologically complex, and, yeah, a heck of a lot of fun. Sexuality is pretty damn important, as every major religion and the warm spot between your legs is well aware. Not everyone is going to freak out their families by making a career of it, but everyone got a responsibility to educate. If you read my columns and think, "well no shit, Sherlock‚": get out there and talk about it, smarty-pants! If you read them and think, "hmm, I never knew that‚": learn more! Take a sexuality DE-Cal, read a book, hell, read the Internet (not just porn). Don't be embarrassed into silence, be honest with your curiosity and knowledge, don't be ashamed of your sex life. Get talkin'.

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