Sex on Tuesday: Swinging in the Rain

Psst. Don't tell BushCo, but last weekend there was tons of hot extramarital sex. Wife swap. And I'm not talking that crap on TV. Orgy. And I'm not talking the ‘90s alt-metal band. Swinging. And I'm not talking the saddle-shoed dance craze.

Given my journalistic integrity, it would have been unconscionable to turn down an invitation to the Third Annual Swingers Ball in San Jose. I just had to go-you know, for research. If you subscribe to the I'm-terrified-of-marriage-because-I-don't-want-to-pledge-to-have-sex-with-only-one-person-for-the-rest-of-my-life school of thought, pull up a bar stool and take note. They call themselves swingers and they know how to throw a party.

When I arrived, there was something familiar about the scene-a rented hotel ballroom, a mediocre DJ, flowing booze, couples socializing in arm-linked units and a palpable anticipation of imminent sex-holy shit, I was reliving prom!

But the deja vu quickly faded and suddenly I was on Mars. I hadn't realized there was a costume theme and was a little taken aback by the clown on stilts and the popularity of topless 40-year-olds. The most striking thing was how average the attendees looked-save the occasional assless leather pants. This was the same type of crowd I had seen at the MOMA that morning: smug married folk. The friend I dragged along was certain there was a past elementary school teacher or neighbor in our midst.

These swingers were much older and less attractive than the ‘Eyes Wide Shut' scene I had imagined, but the atmosphere was a far cry from the intimidating vulture vibe I had feared. There was a sense of thrilling abandon like when you're a kid going to sleep-away camp and the bus pulls away from the mass of waving parents.

All social rules dissolved. I had the most nonthreatening conversation with a 60-year-old man in a latex suit about how to hide bondage equipment while entertaining house guests. The environment was like none I had ever experienced-safe, welcoming, loving, immediate acceptance into "The Lifestyle"-you know, all the red flags of a cult. What impressed me most was how women ran the show. They were more assertive and more extroverted than the men trailing behind them. It also seemed like women could flirt with everyone and men were only taking cues from the partners they came with.

A couple I talked to distinguished themselves as recreational swingers who came to such events only on occasion to spice things up. I asked if this was to avoid having affairs.

"Oh, no!" the wifey replied, borderline offended. "Swinging is the opposite of cheating. It is honest and it enriches our marriage instead of tearing it apart."

By this definition, extramarital sex is adultery only when lied about. You cheat when you break a commitment, but if the commitment is to love each other exclusively but allow guest appearances in the sack, perhaps you're less likely to ever cheat.

This may sound too good to be true, and for a lot of us it probably is. Any swinging enthusiast will warn that the lifestyle is not for everyone. Here's a little quiz to see if you'd be a good candidate:

1. Does the idea of your partner with someone else make you hurl?

2. Do you feel emotionally attached to people you have sex with?

3. Do you fall in love with anyone who can make you come?

4. Do you become possessive or jealous when you see your partner flirting with others?

5. Do you feel empty after having no-strings-attached sex?

If your answer to any of these is yes, perhaps swinging should remain in your fantasies.

Even if you judge yourself capable of handling the stress that may come with swinging, here's the catch: Your partner must feel the same way and your sexual appetites must be perfectly synchronized.

Perhaps most of us will never have a relationship stable enough to handle this lifestyle, and many wouldn't even want it. But for the swing fans, this kind of an agreement is the most highly evolved union. It fosters communication, sexual liberation and an inconceivable amount of trust.

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