When Opportunity Rocks

Sometimes in life it takes a traumatic experience to make you genuinely appreciate what you have.

In my case, I didn't fully comprehend the greatness of my school until I dented my bumper while hurriedly backing out of a Nobel Laureate's campus parking spot in order to avoid a ticket. After I assessed the damage and cried for a few minutes, it occurred to me: How many students at other universities can say they narrowly escaped a $55 fine for treading on the pavement of one of the most valuable minds in the world?

Unfortunately, the majority of UC Berkeley students are unaware of the many opportunities afforded to them at the top public university on the planet. Most are content to masturbate and play Counter Strike all day, oftentimes doing both simultaneously.

It's high time you learned how to take advantage of this university. (And by "take advantage of" I don't mean getting it crunked on blended margaritas and then unstealthily unhooking its bra as it dozes off on your couch. Though that's cool too.) I'm talking about capitalizing on the resources UC Berkeley has to offer.

Professors. When your profs encourage you to visit them during office hours, it's not because they want to assist you in grasping the nuanced uses of the ontology of meaning; in reality, they're just lonely. Some of them even keep a flask of bourbon inside a hollowed-out copy of Edward Said's Orientalism, and will gladly pour you a glass if you offer them a fleeting respite from their troubled, empty existences.

In all seriousness, our campus' professors are some of the most accomplished and brilliant scholars in the world. Did you know professor John Searle has written, like, books and stuff? Unfortunately, not even a published professor's salary can buy happiness. It can, however, buy a fifth of Southern Comfort and the most recent "Girls of the Pac-10" issue of Playboy. And if that doesn't spell happiness, I don't know what does.

Tang Center. Who says you can't have quality health care for a mere $306 per semester? Even though the Tang Center doesn't hire any actual "doctors," and even though I'm pretty sure all the stethoscopes were purchased from Toys "R" Us, who am I to judge? Whether your medical condition calls for a pamphlet on genital warts or a pamphlet on genital herpes, the University Health Services system has the precise pamphlet for your genital needs.

No STDs? No problem! The center also has dozens of semi-skilled medical "professionals" who can give you a pamphlet about bulimia.

No credit? No probl- ... no, okay, now that is a problem.

The Library. Berkeley's collection contains just short of 10 million books, so no matter what your area of interest, the library system will have what you need. With just a flick of Pathfinder, I was able to get my hands on a feminist survey of the psychological and sociological mechanisms of modern beef consumption! The only thing the library doesn't have is a guide to not being a loser. I checked.

Student Publications. There are over 30 ASUC-sponsored and privately funded publications on campus, many of which are proofread before printing. Working for the highest per-issue circulation of these publications-the Heuristic Squelch-I gained invaluable skills that will assist me in my personal and professional life after graduation. For example: drinking! And, um, drinking alone. Yeah.

Interdisciplinary Studies. Some pessimists like to belittle the Interdisciplinary Studies Field as a "bullshit major," but I prefer to think of it as the Sizzler of majors-samplers get to haphazardly choose from the veritable buffet of available courses, and not one of them will ever hold a steady job. If your creativity is too expansive to fit into the box of a conventional major, or if you haven't declared by your eighth semester, then ISF is for you.

The Real World. No, I'm not referring to MTV's program about what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real. I'm referring to the real real world, and what happens when people stop paying their rent and start getting evicted. The best part about UC Berkeley is the day you realize campus life is to real life as Albertson's brand Dr. Skipper is to Dr. Pepper: it's just not the same, man!

Hopefully, though, you don't need to crash your car in order to unlock the door to real life.

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