Get Your Vote On

Founding Father and all-around sage dude Benjamin Franklin once noted, "In this world nothing is certain but death and taxes." He also once advised, "Clean your finger before you point at my spots," so clearly this guy was high on peyote.

With April 15 looming but my mortality still as unfathomable as the bankruptcy of Social Security or the deterioration of Ashlee Simpson's star power, I'd like to amend Ben's quip: In this world nothing is certain but elections and taxes. And herpes, but that's a topic for another day.

You may have noticed since last Monday that the heart of campus has been overtaken by the annual melee of ASUC election candidates, brochures and campaign minions. You may have also noticed on your way to class that a gaggle of highly motivated undergrads in business-casual couture has taken to evangelizing to the student body with all the tenacity of door-to-door Jehovah's Witnesses, only even more creepy and invasive and not armed with the promise of eternal salvation.

This isn't to say your average ASUC campaign promise isn't any less attainable than a guaranteed excise from fire and brimstone. Back when I ate DC food, a popular claim from senatorial candidates was that they'd make BART fare part of the Class Pass system. Just as realistic would be to provide each student with a personal rickshaw to be pulled by the Backstreet Boy of his or her choice. I'm waiting for someone to stump on the promises of putting absinth in the water fountains, giving every student a pet unicorn and bringing peace to the Middle East.

Unfortunately the most visible result of this process is that the average UC Berkeley student chooses nonparticipation over subjecting his or herself to kilograms of campaign literature. I personally have become so disoriented by this madness that I've switched to the metric system.

To help me better understand how this aspect of democracy works, I tracked down a campaign veteran and esteemed ASUC insider for a quick interview. For the sake of anonymity, I can't reveal this person's name. Let's just call him Lisha Meybovich.

RCB: Welcome, Mr. Meybovich. Let's be blunt. Why do students hate the ASUC more than the terrorists hate our freedom?

LM: I don't think that the ASUC does a great job of publicizing itself to the student body. Maybe we should invest in an enormous megaphone to affix to the Campanile, from which we announce all of the ways the Association helps the campus.

RCB: Don't try to be funny. I'm running this interview.

LM: Ya know what else is funny? Dropping an eight ball and waking up next to a dead midget. I'll never forget that. (Snorts line of coke off freshman's cleavage.) Is that going into the transcript?

RCB: No. Hey, maybe the ASUC can improve PR the same way a fat ugly kid gets friends: by letting everyone come over and play cool video games on his big-screen TV and getting his mom to bake everyone brownies. Maybe the ASUC should become that fat kid.

LM: We tried. In the beginning of the semester this one guy on Sproul said he'd bring me back a fat sack of PlayStations if I gave him the box of money sitting on the table. I'm a trusting guy, but he never came back.

RCB: If I'm on my way to class and some fellatio starts aggressively shilling herself to me, how should I react?

LM: Ask her why she is running for the position. Don't ask what she wants to do in the ASUC, because that will change. It's the motivation behind the campaign that indicates the true character of the candidate.

RCB: I was hoping you'd say pepper spray. Anyhow, if you could do it all over again, what would your campaign slogan be?

LM: Lisha Meybovich: A chicken in every pot, and a cock in every ass.

RCB: Stunning. Thanks for your time.

Thus for all its deficiencies, ultimately, the democratic process is the real winner. So today and tomorrow, if you're assaulted by a seemingly insane candidate who's more caffeinated than a Reno hooker and riddled with more STDs than a Reno hooker (you gotta earn votes somehow), have some compassion and take a moment to hear him out.

It certainly beats paying taxes.

Ben says voting is the best pickle. Mmm ... pickles.

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