Sexual Expansion

Hey, your libido is showing. You can't hide behind your thick books and your lofty goals. You're an animal, you're a freak, you're a pig-tailed porn star wearing nothing but socks on a voyeuristic Web site.

This is not the part where I introduce myself and ask everyone to get excited about a brand-new semester of sex. This is also not the part where I give freshmen advice about how to deal with their newfound sexual freedoms. No, no, this is the part where as you stare at the page, I stare right back at you, and say, "I see you! I see that pent-up, secret sexual self that you have been hiding!"

Maybe you're the quiet type, unknowingly emitting sexual pheromones across campus. Or perhaps you are that sizzling redhead in a tight t-shirt that walks in 20 minutes late to every lecture just so you can watch the heads turn. Whatever your sexual orientation (which I hope you'll never really be sure of, because that is just boring), whatever your age, your STD profile, the number of check marks on your lipstick case, whether you wear a promise ring or tote one of those "break in case of emergency" condom key rings, I see you! And I see you are a unique sexual being with desires, fantasies, a favorite position and an erogenous spot that you only explore when you're alone.

So start this semester fully exposed. Take full responsibility for your sexual actions and fantasies. Instead of using alcohol as an excuse to accidentally-on-purpose screw your roommate's ex-boyfriend in the bathroom at Blake's, say to yourself and everyone else, "This is my sexual desire and I am deciding to follow through on it-and I'll need six shots of courage, thanks." If there is something out there that makes you feel sexy, lube it, latex it and go for it goshdarnit! And don't you dare make any excuses.

"That sounds like you are promoting a romp with anything that has legs and turns you on," said a male friend after hearing that. No, male friend, it doesn't even have to have legs. It can have batteries, which tend to last longer. But the point is well taken.

Sex advice sucks harder than a hooker named Hoover, I'll admit. Sex is overrated and underestimated because the people who have no idea how to have good sex are really the only ones telling you it's so unequivocally great. Don't trust these people-you'll just be left reflecting why you aren't the one shouting from the mountaintops about having triple orgasms while levitating.

Society is getting more and more sexually aware and, if you've been good little boys and girls and done your homework, there just isn't that much that I can tell you that you don't already know. Sex columns have been going on for a number of years, so it's all been done. The Internet is a confidential source for almost any sex query and is full of what I'll politely refer to as explicit demonstrations.

Sexpert Dan Savage wrote a column on pleasing a woman orally. For every testimony of pleasure he posted, there was a contradicting cunnilingus story-spell the alphabet with your tongue, don't spell the alphabet with your tongue, put your tongue inside her vagina, no, just stimulate the clit. The point is, sex is infinitely dynamic: The day that one magic method applies to achieving orgasm is the day someone looks sexy in a Stanford sweatshirt. Psh, yeah right.

That leaves you in a swirling world of expanding sexual avenues. Put on those explorers' hats and dive in, students! You speak another language? You play an instrument? You get good grades? You volunteer? So what? You are not a well-rounded person until you develop your sexual side. Sex is an integral part of life and deserves as much study and consideration as your classes. Your personality expands (along with other stuff) when you become comfortable and knowledgeable about sex. You have questions-if you don't, then you aren't being creative enough.

Most people don't go through half a day before thinking about sex, whether or not they regularly experience it. My two close friends are postponing their pony rides until the honeymoon but they can still benefit from sexual information. So get hot, get wet and get some answers so you can get freaky the way you really want to.

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