Resolving the Debate

I love science. It makes sure that things don't fall up and that baking soda plus vinegar in a papier-mache volcano equals good times. If you stopped to think about everything science did for you, you'd be overwhelmed and feel so grateful that you would give Stephen Hawking a foot massage, just because.

But unfortunately, not everyone thinks this way. Some people do not respect science's contributions to this world and choose to ignore it, brushing its gifts aside like I brush the dirt off Stephen Hawking's shoes when he comes home after a long day at the lab. These people have chosen to remain ignorant of the iron laws that govern our universe and create a perverse, reactionary ideology that has seeped into all levels of American society, even the highest office in the land. That's right: I'm talking about the theory of intelligent design. This theory holds that some higher power created the first of Earth's creatures because their complexity and beauty can only be explained by a divine hand. The intelligent design supporters want to have this theory taught in schools alongside (and for some of the more extreme ones, in lieu of) evolution.

Look, Christians. I see your little scheme. If you want your kids to get out of their AP Biology class because it teaches evil secular rituals such as "rational thought," that's fine: Make them fake illness like everyone else. But don't make up an entire philosophy to justify not having to learn about evolution, and then attempt to impose it on others. What you're doing is like me trying to get out of doing a difficult economics problem set by forging God's signature on an excuse note. "Thou shalt excuse my humble servant Fred from his economics discussion, for yea, as he walked through the Valley Life Science Building, he was waylaid by Roman centurions. Signed, God."

We cannot let the insidious logic of the intelligent design people penetrate our schools and corrupt our youth. Next thing you know, we'll have intelligent design taught in our history departments. Do you want your kids to learn that the Crimean War was caused by Jesus and His time machine?

At this point I would like to remind the reader that I am no atheist: I'm not saying that there is no God in heaven. We would need a really, really big telescope to prove that. In fact, I do believe that some higher power that my tiny mortal mind cannot possibly comprehend created the world and all of its creatures. I also believe that the existence of this higher power is 100 percent compatible with evolution and scientific theory. However, I think that the being, whoever He was, was kind of new at the whole creation thing. This theory I will call unintelligent design: I believe it should be taught in addition to evolution.

Now before you pick up your pitchforks and torches and bash down my door for calling God incompetent, please hear me out. Who can really blame God for messing up? After all, it was His first day on the job: We all know that in the beginning, there was nothing. God hadn't had any experience creating stuff, that's all. Expecting God to create a truly perfect universe on His first try is like expecting Michelangelo to paint the Sistine Chapel ceiling on his first day of art school.

What evidence is there for unintelligent design? I'm glad you asked. First reason: There are a lot of really annoying, useless organisms in the world. Why did God create poison oak or hookworms or Carrot Top? I'll tell you why: He didn't have much experience. Second, look at our world's problems: poverty, environmental degradation, war. If impoverished Africans have to turn to Bono instead of our world leaders for aid, you know that the world isn't exactly working the way that it should.

I want to stress again that my theory of unintelligent design is totally compatible with evolution. God realized that His universe was still a first draft, so He created that divine editor, evolution, to spruce it up a little. And evolution, as we all know, is when Charles Darwin flies through space mutating monkeys into humans with his ray gun.

In conclusion, science and faith need to put aside their differences and give each other a big hug. Evolution and my unintelligent design theory can live side by side, and everybody's happy. Even Stephen Hawking, who, believe you me, is quite hard to please.

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