Get Fed
with Alex Mohajer

Have you undergone the traumatic experience of having to lose massive amounts of weight rapidly? It's not fun. It's hard work. It's a soul-sucking experience that makes you want to die. That being said, it's definitely a goal within reach, and I don't mean through laxatives or cocaine use. It's the low-carb diet, and not the Atkins one.

As I departed Berkeley last summer, I realized that I needed to do something about my weight. Having been pretty athletic my entire life, I had somehow allowed, over the course of the year, the stresses of being a UC Berkeley student to take over my life and my health. Severely breaking my leg earlier in the year and being immobile for a few months didn't help.

Now, I know some people will say that you should always make time to get to the gym, but that's just plain bullshit. Everyone at this school is overworked and overstressed. Working two internships and taking on a full load of classes during the semester had allowed little or no time to actually take care of myself. And whatever time I did have, I used to A. socialize, or B. sleep.

But you have to take some accountability, and this summer I did. I lost 35 pounds in two months, and I am going to divulge how I did so with the following five easy-to-remember rules.

1. Consume 65 carbohydrates a day (75 if you're a guy). Unlike Atkins, which is essentially a zero carb diet, having a small amount of carbohydrates will give you some energy to burn while putting your body into a natural fat-burning state known as ketosis. Doing a mild amount of physical activity will burn twice as many calories when in ketosis. Make sure to include a lot of protein (eggs, meat, low-carb protein bars, soy nuts, etc.) in your diet.

2. Control your calories. It sounds difficult, but stay under 1200 calories a day. Atkins Diet is a high-fat, high-calorie diet, so even though eating a piece of bacon has barely any carbs in it, you are having a shitload of calories. This isn't good for your heart or colon. By controlling your caloric intake, you will be keeping your body away from toxic substances and you'll lower your cholesterol in the process.

3. Eat every two hours. It's clinically proven that by feeding your body small portions every two hours, you will strengthen your metabolism greatly and you won't get as hungry throughout the day.

4. Drink 80 ounces of water a day. It's the equivalent of about five water bottles. Do it, it seriously works.

5. Moderate exercise. If you follow the above rules, you won't need to have hardcore workouts. A simple amount of moderate exercise such as walking will burn twice as much fat when you're in ketosis. Find 15 to 30 minutes somewhere in your day to just walk, for Christ's sake, you lazy bastards.

I would recommend taking vitamins to make sure you're getting the proper nutrients you need and also, learn to read nutrition facts labels. They will be your best friend. Map out what you're going to eat and at what time at the beginning of the day and mark it off as you go.

The above formula is tested and proven by yours truly. It's difficult, but it does work. And hey, you never once had to give the two-finger salute. You can thank me later over a Boston cream pie, fat ass.

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