Off the Beat
No, No, No, No, No and No

Years of research have led me to a fascinating conclusion about people who do annoying things: They not only exist, but seem to multiply exponentially, peaking during midterms.

Such individuals, however, are not to be confused with annoying people (note the difference), who also exist but are beyond repair. This column is a guide to help the former—a “How Not to Do Annoying Things for Dummies,” if you will, complete with an analysis of the most common on-campus gaffes and how to deal with them during times of distress.

First, taking the elevator to the second floor. The following exceptions apply: You have one or no legs; you are transporting large or heavy items; you have one or no legs and/or arms, and are transporting large or heavy items. Exceptions can also be made for the elderly and some, but not all, babies. Don’t act like you got the kid $70 Nikes so he could just stand in them.

2. Shaking your foot uncontrollably, causing your chair and desk to shake uncontrollably, in effect causing the chair and desk of everyone sitting in your row to shake uncontrollably. A good way to avoid this is to pass up the $6 venti caramello trachiotomoto latte you’d normally buy before lecture, during which you will channel the caffeine into doing the Daily Cal crossword, erasing your Sudoku guesses, text-messaging friends and, if you are a laptop note-taker, logging on to Facebook.

3. Pushing your way into a lecture hall when the previous class is still trying to get out. Check with your professor first, but your grade is unlikely to be based on how warm your seat is when you sit down. If this is in fact the case, I urge you to put down this newspaper immediately, as you have bigger fish to fry.

4. Asking too many questions at the end of lecture and/or talking at the end of lecture to hear your own voice. Even though reading the first paragraph of a New York Times/Wall Street Journal/Washington Post article does indeed make you an expert on foreign oil dependence, your pretentiousness will be better appreciated at office hours, where there almost certainly will not be 500 students hungrily awaiting lunch.

5. Yakking loudly on your cell phone while waiting in line at the GBC, using a public restroom or engaging in any other activity that puts you within earshot of people who have one or more functional ears. While it is regrettable that, like, OMG Mikey SO did not call Susie even though they like, totally hooked up at Bobby’s party, the only person who needs to know is Bobby, so that he can spot-clean accordingly. So unless Mikey and Susie took the elevator to the second floor while hooking up, no one, like, cares.

6. Library whisperers, specifically library stage-whisperers. You know the type—they “whisper” LIKE THIS, (truly, much less disruptive than talking like this. Truly.) often cupping their hands over their mouths while rasping to their friends via cell phone, “I can’t talk now, I’m at the library! ... No, Moffitt! ... Everyone looks like they want to kill me! Hee hee!” You said it, not us.

And now, methods of coping. Unfortunately, the same research has led me to a second, equally fascinating conclusion: The best way to avoid people who do annoying things is to be the person who does the annoying things. That way, you are in no position to be bothered by any of them.

Just kidding. We at the nation’s pre-eminent public university have a duty to educate our peers on everything from proper elevator etiquette, to classroom conduct and cell phone manners. How should this be done, you ask?

The answer is quite simple: We print these six guidelines with detailed instructions and illustrations onto 5,000 quarter-sheet fliers, pass them out to freshmen and exclusively freshmen on their way to class, pass them out to the same freshmen on their way out of class, and tape flyers to the backs of chairs in Wheeler for freshmen to read. Now that’s annoying.

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